{"id":5785,"date":"2023-01-30T19:45:33","date_gmt":"2023-01-30T18:45:33","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/damiengaleone.com\/?p=5785"},"modified":"2024-10-14T15:53:47","modified_gmt":"2024-10-14T13:53:47","slug":"my-onlyfans-page","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/damiengaleone.com\/?p=5785","title":{"rendered":"My OnlyFans Page"},"content":{"rendered":"\n
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As a person who makes money writing, I was indeed alarmed to learn that Artificial Intelligence will soon be hired to do those jobs. I need a job.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

I\u2019d offer to whore out my writing skills for people \u2013 I like writing shopping lists, I love writing recipes on the back of envelopes, and I have a zeal for drawing nooses during meetings. I\u2019d be glad to bring you in on that. The problem, yet again, is that pretty soon my blended will be doing those things for you. With writing and noose drawing off the table, I needed some way to spend the rest of my life. I need direction. I\u2019m turning to the most obvious course of action. Only Fans.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Now, I still have research skills and I use it to find out about the broad range of interesting and highly disturbing services that people are offering in exchange for money. After exploring my bag of talents, I opt for the following services.   <\/p>\n\n\n\n

Watch me eat! For the low price of $37, you can watch me eat while I watch TV. This includes chicken wraps during Frasier<\/em> or a roast chicken leg while watching 30 Rock<\/em>. If you pay an extra $12, I\u2019ll engage in witty banter with you about the show. Highlights include \u201cThey don\u2019t make \u2018em like Frasier anymore\u201d or \u201cBoy, 30 Rock was sure funny.\u201d For an extra $18 I\u2019ll describe my meal to you, and for $26 extra I\u2019ll let you pick the show I watch, as long as it\u2019s one of the six shows I watch while I eat (full list available on my page, but think 1990s psychiatrists).<\/p>\n\n\n\n\n\n\n\n

Listen to me complain! As a 48 year old man, there is a full, diverse spectrum of topics that I can complain on in depth and for longer than you\u2019d think possible. Even longer if I\u2019m drinking. Topics include \u201cMan I hate instant replay in football!\u201d; \u201cWhy is the internet so slow!?\u201d; \u201cWhy is chicken so god damned expensive!?\u201d and as an added bonus \u201cButter! WTF!?\u201d. These are all available for $22, but for $24 extra I\u2019ll complain about any topic you choose. (note: if it\u2019s about a specific person or phenomena, please email 2 hours in advance, pictures help). I offer a special potluck complaint for $16. If you need a good griping session but you don\u2019t care about the topic, just sign in and choose the potluck option. I\u2019ll complain about something (usually ranging from my knees to American Republicans to my lower back).  <\/p>\n\n\n\n

Look at my feet. I personally don\u2019t see anything spectacular about my feet, but this has become by far my most popular service. You simply pay $40 to watch me rub my feet, and listen to me complain and moan. \u201cSheesh, my dogs are sore!\u201d (note: I no longer supply photos, so please stop asking. Neither will I part the hair on top of my foot to look like Jamie Farr). Sick.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

I\u2019ll listen to you! (aka: the single person\u2019s special) That\u2019s right. For $25 an hour, I sit at my computer, play some quiet music, light candles, and just listen to you talk. I somehow resist the urge to give you advice to fix your problems and I just give back such gems as \u201cOh how annoying\u201d and \u201cshe sounds like a bitch\u201d and \u201cwhy don\u2019t they ever listen to you, you\u2019re always right?\u201d For an extra $10, I turn on my TV and hand you the (virtual) remote. This puts you 100% in charge of what we watch while you talk. For $6 more, I ask for your advice on a number of fashion and work-related subjects. For $4, I take it.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Watch me clean (part of the single person\u2019s special). For the very affordable (well, not if you want butter and<\/em> chicken) price of $32 an hour, I will clean my house. Not only do I let you watch me clean, but I add several platitudes throughout such as \u201cNo, you had a long day, sit, relax.\u201d; \u201cHey, you had a bad day, what would you like me to cook after this? I\u2019ll get anything you want (except chicken).\u201d; \u201cYou look like you need a foot rub.\u201d I do add virtual foot rubs but as I have to import a person I like enough to touch their feet, this is $60 extra.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Watch me read and write! This is for the younger generation. For $30 an hour, you can watch me write with a pen or read a book to completion like the historical exhibitions that will surely inhabit the Smithsonian in about a decade. Get the jump now! For an extra $20, I\u2019ll explain basic principles of grammar such as \u201cthis is what a comma does\u201d and \u201cno, complete sentences have a verb and a noun\u201d and \u201cthe inclusive semicolon!\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

I\u2019m happy to entertain any other options your disturbed brain can come up with. I\u2019m available most days and nights, as I have no other jobs to do at the moment. Also, should you need something written for you, I\u2019m also available to do that. We call it the throwback.          <\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

As a person who makes money writing, I was indeed alarmed to learn that Artificial Intelligence will soon be hired to do those jobs. I need a job. I\u2019d offer to whore out my writing skills for people \u2013 I like writing shopping lists, I love writing recipes on the back of envelopes, and I […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":5786,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"jetpack_post_was_ever_published":false,"_jetpack_newsletter_access":"","_jetpack_dont_email_post_to_subs":false,"_jetpack_newsletter_tier_id":0,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paywalled_content":false,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paid_content":false,"footnotes":"","jetpack_publicize_message":"","jetpack_publicize_feature_enabled":true,"jetpack_social_post_already_shared":true,"jetpack_social_options":{"image_generator_settings":{"template":"highway","default_image_id":0,"font":"","enabled":false},"version":2}},"categories":[8],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-5785","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-blog"],"jetpack_publicize_connections":[],"jetpack_featured_media_url":"https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/damiengaleone.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2023\/01\/onlyfans.jpg?fit=1024%2C683&ssl=1","jetpack_sharing_enabled":true,"jetpack_shortlink":"https:\/\/wp.me\/p1EvEu-1vj","_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/damiengaleone.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/5785","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/damiengaleone.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/damiengaleone.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/damiengaleone.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/damiengaleone.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcomments&post=5785"}],"version-history":[{"count":1,"href":"https:\/\/damiengaleone.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/5785\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":5787,"href":"https:\/\/damiengaleone.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/5785\/revisions\/5787"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/damiengaleone.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/media\/5786"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/damiengaleone.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fmedia&parent=5785"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/damiengaleone.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcategories&post=5785"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/damiengaleone.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Ftags&post=5785"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}