{"id":6012,"date":"2024-03-18T18:25:55","date_gmt":"2024-03-18T17:25:55","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/damiengaleone.com\/?p=6012"},"modified":"2024-11-26T06:43:00","modified_gmt":"2024-11-26T05:43:00","slug":"the-secret-lives-of-inanimate-objects","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/damiengaleone.com\/?p=6012","title":{"rendered":"The Secret Lives of Inanimate Objects"},"content":{"rendered":"\n
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It is very clear to me that the things in my house have lives of their own. My backpack ends up next to my bed all the time. He wants to be close to me. My toaster has a knack for ending up in unusual places. This is why I try to be nice to her. I take baths sometimes.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

My shirts button themselves all the way from bottom to top when I\u2019m not looking. Burke swears it\u2019s not her and since I am a lighter sleeper than her, I can\u2019t imagine she\u2019s doing it without my notice. The cat doesn\u2019t have opposable thumbs and anyway, she\u2019s always gone for the unbuttoned look. The dog, well, the dog can\u2019t climb all the way up there, you know. And yet, every day I take out a shirt, every single button is done.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

I seem to recall that a lot of my childhood was taken up by watching movies where things come to life and have adventures while their owners are otherwise engaged. Toys, toy soldiers, a brave little toaster, Christmas gifts. All of it wreaking havoc. But the inanimate objects in my home seem to be active and very boring.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

My couch is just a bit of a dick. It complains about my choice of TV shows and moans about my snack choices. I\u2019ve been trying to pick out better snacks but it\u2019s hard. At the store today I was struck by the sadness that I am trying to impress a couch with food. My microwave randomly changes its cooking times. I scorched my popcorn last night. The couch was unimpressed. I\u2019m pretty sure my phone made a rude comment about a message I sent yesterday. My phone. It\u2019s plastic and a screen and I love it more than my mother. I can\u2019t be laughed at by my phone. Also I think it\u2019s gossiping with my tablet and conspiring to prank call my friends and family (just in case). But the real gossip happens in my silverware drawer. And drama too. I think the spoons are staging a coup over the spatulas. The forks have formed a clique with the knives. They keep shifting over drawers when I\u2019m not looking. I think my blender is writing poetry. It\u2019s getting avant-garde in here. The less said about the food in my fridge the better. I think the mayonnaise is drinking the ketchup.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

I have found two of my glasses\u2019 microfiber wipes in different places in the park. They have both escaped and chose a life on the ground in a park over living in my pocket and helping me see better. This is both humiliating and depressing. And it hurts a little. Anyway, if you see any of my stuff, just send it back my way and don\u2019t let it give you no lip.   <\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

It is very clear to me that the things in my house have lives of their own. My backpack ends up next to my bed all the time. He wants to be close to me. My toaster has a knack for ending up in unusual places. This is why I try to be nice to […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":6010,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"jetpack_post_was_ever_published":false,"_jetpack_newsletter_access":"","_jetpack_dont_email_post_to_subs":false,"_jetpack_newsletter_tier_id":0,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paywalled_content":false,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paid_content":false,"footnotes":"","jetpack_publicize_message":"","jetpack_publicize_feature_enabled":true,"jetpack_social_post_already_shared":true,"jetpack_social_options":{"image_generator_settings":{"template":"highway","default_image_id":0,"font":"","enabled":false},"version":2}},"categories":[8],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-6012","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-blog"],"jetpack_publicize_connections":[],"jetpack_featured_media_url":"https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/damiengaleone.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2024\/03\/fElhbaS_.jpg?fit=942%2C1920&ssl=1","jetpack_sharing_enabled":true,"jetpack_shortlink":"https:\/\/wp.me\/p1EvEu-1yY","_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/damiengaleone.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/6012","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/damiengaleone.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/damiengaleone.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/damiengaleone.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/damiengaleone.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcomments&post=6012"}],"version-history":[{"count":1,"href":"https:\/\/damiengaleone.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/6012\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":6013,"href":"https:\/\/damiengaleone.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/6012\/revisions\/6013"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/damiengaleone.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/media\/6010"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/damiengaleone.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fmedia&parent=6012"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/damiengaleone.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcategories&post=6012"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/damiengaleone.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Ftags&post=6012"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}