{"id":915,"date":"2012-09-10T14:16:21","date_gmt":"2012-09-10T12:16:21","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/damiengaleone.com\/?p=915"},"modified":"2012-10-01T09:20:02","modified_gmt":"2012-10-01T07:20:02","slug":"5-reasons-my-pants-dont-fit-right-now","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/damiengaleone.com\/?p=915","title":{"rendered":"5 Reasons My Pants Don\u2019t Fit Right Now"},"content":{"rendered":"

<\/strong>\"Cardiac<\/a>I believe it was somewhere in Colorado when Collin and I became aware that our road trip had become focused on food. We didn\u2019t do many tours in Wisconsin, just visited restaurants. The world-famous sights of South Dakota became interludes between places to eat steak and creamy desserts. And Kansas City was on the itinerary for one reason.<\/p>\n

Fast forward and I am sitting at this desk sweating under the strain of my oppressive belt and stubborn pant-waist. I run twelve miles a week, I snack on fruit and eat salads and I walk probably about fifteen miles a week. So why are my pants tight? As it can\u2019t possibly be my fault, below are the five reasons directly related to my summer trip.<\/p>\n

Anyway, that\u2019s my story and I\u2019m sticking to it.<\/p>\n

5. Chicago Pizza<\/strong><\/p>\n

So advocating a pizza preference in the United States is sort of like embroiling yourself in an East Coast – West Coast gang war. Only there are usually fewer shootings, better fashion and not so many goofy lyrics.<\/p>\n

The perennial pizza argument: Chicago or New York style? Before you add a third, I join all Americans in stating that there are no other alternatives and if you really insist, then we don\u2019t care.<\/p>\n

For those unfortunates who don\u2019t understand pizza, New York style typically has thin hand-tossed crust and a smooth tomato sauce base. Oh yes, and has the taste\/joy equivalent of the time you learned how to masturbate. Chicago style has thick crust and tomato chunks and has the taste\/joy equivalent of the time you learned how to masturbate.<\/p>\n

This argument will never be settled and my compliments for Chicago style has garnered complaints and grumbles from my east coast constituents.<\/p>\n

But I refuse to politicize pizza!<\/p>\n

4. Wisconsin<\/strong><\/p>\n

As a red-blooded American not from Wisconsin, I of course was raised to enjoy mocking and deriding the Dairy State. Most Americans know that Wisconsin is the home of cheese and milk, but it\u2019s usually considered a cute state with people who speak like Paul Ryan looks.<\/p>\n

We are wrong.<\/p>\n

The folks of Wisconsin not only make cheese and milk, they have perfected the art of becoming fat and happy. Aside from a berry smoothie that my friend\u2019s mother made for me one morning, I did not put one healthy thing in my body. There are cheese curds both fried and raw, fried fish, cheese spread (just in case you were looking for a way to make pretzels unhealthier) and a variety of sandwiches that strip away years of your life. This is not to mention lard-infused hamburgers and whole milk so rich that it makes our whole milk seem like urine.<\/p>\n

On second thought, there\u2019s a chance that smoothie was made with bacon and cheddar cheese. No urine.<\/p>\n

3. American Beer <\/strong><\/p>\n

I know, I know. Having lived the last eight years in Prague, I have had my fill of hearing \u201cAmerican beer sucks.\u201d And surely I do happily exist in the land of beer and Hermel\u00edn. But here\u2019s the thing: American beer is no longer the world\u2019s yeasty kicking boy. There are over 1,700 breweries in the U.S. and a lot of them make some damn good beer. What\u2019s more, they make different<\/em> kinds of beer and while I would kick a dog I like for a Czech beer, most Czech beers are exactly the same.<\/p>\n

I believe in the seven weeks I was in the U.S. I drank a little over three beers. These were anything from the Yards ESA to Leinenkugel\u2019s Sunset Wheat to Boulevard Saisons. Not to mention the God of all beers \u2013 Miller High Life. These beers have gathered above, around and over my belt in a temporary sit-in rebelling against my recent abstinence in lieu of studying for my state exams.<\/p>\n

Don\u2019t worry boys, the test is tomorrow and you shan\u2019t be alone long.<\/p>\n

2. The Jews<\/strong><\/p>\n

Before someone freaks out about this caption, let me explain. The Jews have been blamed for just about every mishap in history, whether it\u2019s the Bubonic Plague, a plague of locusts (seeing a theme here\u2026) or Woody Allen.<\/p>\n

But that’s not what I’m getting at.<\/p>\n

The only thing I will ever blame on the Jews is my vast weight gain at the hands of their delicious cured meats and delicacies. If you have never been to a Jewish deli then you either caught the unfortunate vegetarian flu or you live in the Czech Republic. Either way, you don\u2019t know what you\u2019re missing.<\/p>\n

There is nothing about a Jewish Deli that doesn\u2019t make my mouth water. There are potato latkes, bagels, lox, pastrami, corned beef, Jewish rye bread and dill pickles. I fantasize about bastardizing the Japanese custom of Nyotaimori<\/em>, eating sushi off of a naked girl\u2019s body, to satisfy my Semitic hunger pangs. Instead of sushi I would eat pastrami with hot mustard, bagels with cream cheese and Nathan\u2019s hot dogs.<\/p>\n

Don\u2019t ask where she\u2019d keep them.<\/p>\n

1. Kansas City Barbecue<\/strong><\/p>\n

People generally ignore Kansas, and for good reason. It is scientifically proven to be flatter than a pancake, they have had more tornadoes than any state other than Texas and they have recently been used in a statistic relating them to Texas. No good.<\/p>\n

However, the good folks in Kansas City have taken advantage of this out of sight, out of mind<\/em> policy to create the best barbecue in the United States. You know when you met that special someone and after a while you couldn\u2019t imagine your life without them? Yeah, this is the relationship I have with ribs.<\/p>\n

Kansas City takes its barbecue very seriously. They have over 100 well-known barbecue joints, the Kansas City Barbecue Society and the Kansas City Rib Off. They have cultivated a world-wide reputation and respect for their barbecue and this is a deserved respect. In the 28 hours we spent in Kansas City we ate barbecue two times. These meals included ribs 2x, burnt-end chili, baked beans, Cole slaw, brisket and sausage. We waddled out of Oklahoma Joe\u2019s and The Woodhouse with grins on our sauce-covered faces.<\/p>\n

Would you expect anything else from the home of Jazz?<\/p>\n

Over to you<\/strong><\/p>\n

Why don\u2019t your pants (trousers) fit?<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

I believe it was somewhere in Colorado when Collin and I became aware that our road trip had become focused on food. We didn\u2019t do many tours in Wisconsin, just visited restaurants. The world-famous sights of South Dakota became interludes between places to eat steak and creamy desserts. And Kansas City was on the itinerary […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_jetpack_newsletter_access":"","_jetpack_dont_email_post_to_subs":false,"_jetpack_newsletter_tier_id":0,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paywalled_content":false,"_jetpack_feature_clip_id":0,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paid_content":false,"footnotes":"","jetpack_publicize_message":"","jetpack_publicize_feature_enabled":true,"jetpack_social_post_already_shared":false,"jetpack_social_options":{"image_generator_settings":{"template":"highway","default_image_id":0,"font":"","enabled":false},"version":2},"jetpack_post_was_ever_published":false},"categories":[8],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-915","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-blog"],"jetpack_publicize_connections":[],"jetpack_featured_media_url":"","jetpack_sharing_enabled":true,"jetpack_shortlink":"https:\/\/wp.me\/p1EvEu-eL","_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/damiengaleone.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/915","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/damiengaleone.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/damiengaleone.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/damiengaleone.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/damiengaleone.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcomments&post=915"}],"version-history":[{"count":4,"href":"https:\/\/damiengaleone.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/915\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":944,"href":"https:\/\/damiengaleone.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/915\/revisions\/944"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/damiengaleone.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fmedia&parent=915"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/damiengaleone.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcategories&post=915"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/damiengaleone.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Ftags&post=915"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}