Jesus San

Be More Human / Mehr Mensch SeinAbout 2,000 years ago a young shepherd settled in a mountain village in Japan, married, had three kids and lived quietly until he died at the age of 106. His name was Daitenku Taro Jura, but you probably know him as Jesus Christ.

Jesus in Japan, you ask? Yes, Jesus in Japan. And believe it or not, it gets better. According to the residents of Shingo, Japan, Jesus’ adventures begin with his escape from crucifixion, continue with mistaken identity and involve intrigue and a grueling journey.

The unfortunate gent on the cross was Jesus’ younger—never heard of before—brother Isukiri, whose ear Jesus took for his global trip to Japan (along with a lock of Virgin Mary’s hair). This trip was epic, bringing him across the bitter wildernesses of the Steppe, Russia, Alaska and eventually to Shingo, a tiny mountain hamlet in Northern Japan. The trip lasted four years and totaled out at about 6,000 miles.

Sounds bad, but I suppose the alternative would have been worse. And apparently, Jesus had the aural keepsake to prove it.

Since the Son of Man arrived on the scene about 2,000 years ago, he’s made quite a splash. He is arguably the most famous and controversial man in the history of the known world. His life is shrouded in mystery, disappearing from the Bible and gospels for about eighteen years, a period during which many countries claim him as a resident. And this is just one mystery; many aspects of his life have been the centerpiece for thousands of controversies, arguments and wars.

If there is one thing more controversial than his life, it’s his death.

There have been dozens of theories. The swoon theories suggest that Jesus didn’t die on the cross, but was only unconscious to be resuscitated at a later time. And that’s just the gist of one swoon theory; there are several variations. Another unrelated theory states that Jesus’ death was faked and he escaped to France with Mary Magdalene and his disciples. Another suggests that he was drugged and then rescued. Another one states that Joseph of Arimathea bartered with Pontius Pilot to get his body and revived him. Yet another one holds that he stole off to India with Mary Magdalene to continue his teachings and studies. And another says that he settled in Marrakesh and was known as Issa. This is where he continued studying the teaching of Buddha and where he is buried now. I am pretty sure that I have heard one where he opened a Dairy Queen in ancient Newark.

Wait, that could be Tupac Shakur. I always confuse those two.

But, why so many conspiratorial theories? First of all, this character is so mysterious and surrounded by controversy that these theories are naturally drawn to him. Also, alternative history and conspiracy theories are fun, they’re mysterious, strange and naughty in a way. It’s like we’re defying the global norm. It’s fun to think about Elvis running a waffle house in Tijuana. Or Michael Jackson and Janis Joplin raising Alpacas in Peru.

So why should Jesus be exempt from the conspiratorial fun?

Keeping these theories afloat is always just a little bit of evidence. There’s always something to support these theories. There is scriptural and physical (wounds in a corpse) support to Marrakesh Jesus (Issa), and even written evidence to support the theory that Jesus traveled, studied and was eventually buried in India. I suppose the only evidence to support the France Jesus theory is the fact that the French act as though they are God’s gift to the world. I guess they have baguettes too.

Jesus San is no different. Evidence suggests that the villagers in Shingo practiced customs totally unique to Japan. Men wore robes similar to those worn in Palestine, women wore veils, and babies were carried in woven baskets as in the Middle East at the time. There is linguistic evidence as well; words in the local dialect that are closer to Hebrew than Japanese, including the names of some nearby villages.

It makes you think, until…

Villagers further maintain that the graves of Adam and Eve are fifteen miles east of the village.

Well, I guess it made you think for a minute there.

Favorite conspiracy theory?

  1. #1 by greg galeone on January 15, 2013 - 12:24 am

    a fun read damo and interesting to boot. my favorite “conspiracy” theory is ufo sightings. we have been sending radio waves into space for about a hundred years and in all that time we have never received a, let’s call it, non natural blip on a radio telescope. meaning that rthere wasn’t anyone within fifty light years (out and back) that received a radio message and returned it. that’s 186,000 x 60 x 60 x 24 x 3365 x 50 miles from earth. yet some believe that alien beings, apparently from farther away than that have not only the means and technology to get here but they also decided to keep their presence clandestine. further more when they do arrive they won’t be visiting rome or paris or the smithsonian to learn about their guests -no they will go to that mecca of academe-roswell , new mexico and bask in the desert. jesus san doesn’t seem like such a stretch.

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