Archive for May, 2018

Chuckles at the Royal Wedding

On Saturday I sat in my office in the flat watching thunderstorms threaten. A blimp was flying around Prague and I was not in the mood to work on my book or any other files I came across. Instead, I opened a blank document and started free writing. A good way to clear the head and get some ideas down.

Burke was in the living room watching the Royal Wedding. Every now and then I’d walk out to check out the famous mechanical waves and outfits which cost more than my college education. What I saw of the occasion did spur some nostalgia for my visits to England, which I thoroughly enjoyed. I sighed, recognized that I already miss Claire Foy and Matt Smith, and went back to work.

As Burke is not one to keep mum on something currently possessing the bulk of her attention, I was the recipient of constant alerts on the action. Oh the Queen doesn’t sing the song because it’s about her! I think they stuck George Clooney behind a pillar. Everyone’s trying not to laugh.

Though I didn’t watch the audience chuckling, I did wonder what would make a bunch of stiff-upper-lipped Brits laugh at a Royal Wedding. Some claim it’s because of Prince Harry, considered to be the more jovial prince. Others suggested it was the gregarious and impassioned sermon by Reverend Curry. I know and work with Brits, I’m B2-C1 in British English, and even love me some British entertainment. Through simple exposure, I have picked up enough about the people and culture to hazard some guesses as to what might make them laugh at such an auspicious occasion.

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You Think you’re a Grown up, but then…

Paperfeet the cat

Adulthood happens to most of us. And it really is one of those I just woke up one day and… situations. You don’t plan on it. Nobody I know has ever said “This year, I’m going to start being an adult.”

One day you realize that your decisions are more rational, that instead of frozen pizza and packaged ham, the majority of your groceries consists of vegetables and meat. You pay bills on time and you meet your obligations without resorting to excuses.

There is no doubt that those things carry a sense of stable, comfortable joy. However, if you’re like me, you have little moments that occasionally bring you down a notch on the respectable adult scale. Just to remind you not to get too big for your Buster Browns.

 

Some of those moments have happened to an unnamed mostly respectable author and adult in the last two weeks. He asks that you add your own moment to the comments below, so as to make him feel better about himself.

You think you’re a grown up, but then…

You spend four hours reading alternate Harry Potter theories.

You reward yourself with a cookie for making your bed.

You catch yourself saying “no, you shut up” and “FML” right in the same day.

You trick someone into smelling your fart.

You eat a bowl of cereal for dinner. And then you eat another one.

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A Day at the Races

Collin’s birthday often involves doing something we don’t normally do. We’ve jumped out of a plane and chewed on Flintstone-sized drumsticks in a prehistoric steakhouse.

This birthday we’re at the horse races. Having never attended a horse race, I mostly associate it with Bukowskiesque characters in bitter desperation, a row of red-eyed old men in pale golf shirts and checkered pants squeezing the racing program in a sweaty fist and begging Sagar-the-Horrible to make their rent. The only reason I knew there was a racing program at all was because of Bukowski. It’s important to learn from the things you read.

I have never been a big gambler, but that’s only because I don’t often find myself in places where gambling is the vice du jour. When I do find myself in a casino or at a track of some kind, I will figure out how to gamble and then I will gamble. During my Christmas visits, my father and I bet on every football game that is on TV. I adopt his phrases of rationale – Oh, I do it to make the games fun to watch. It’s fun. And then I follow his lead by staring at the television and seething and exploding over anything that goes against our team. By the end of the game we have fun-induced apoplexy.

The crowd is not at all what I expect. There are definitely the Bukowskis, old guys with binoculars around their necks and forty tickets in their pocket protectors. Their binoculars are bent at the horses during the races and the girls in between the races. Otherwise there are lots of families, more kids than one would associate with horse races. There are young couples out for the day. Some people are dressed up for the occasion (we’re among them). There are more ascots at this race than I have seen in the last thirteen years in Prague combined. I am comforted by the others, who have made the extraordinarily questionable fashion choices I’ve come to associate with Prague or, more likely, young people (bright green shorts and a slightly different bright green shirt. I will never understand).

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World Naked Gardening Day

When Facebook told me that Saturday was World Naked Gardening Day, I scoffed. Being naked out of doors has never really agreed with me. I have skinny dipped a few times, ended up on a few ill advised nude beaches (fucking France), and did my rugby Zulu warrior dance after scoring my first try. This last one has the added benefit of allowing one to enjoy nudity, the outdoors, and friends and acquaintances dumping cold beer on you. I miss college. But overall, I never warmed to the idea of being naked near other people in places where poison ivy, wasps, and the French exist.

While I was initially comfortable with my decision to abstain, by the afternoon on Friday I felt as though this prudishness was a major personal failing. What was wrong with a little nudity? Women sunbathe topless at my local pool with no shame. It’s natural and fine. By the evening’s fourth drink I was ready to sell all of my possessions and clothing and live in a raccoon commune in Moravia. But first, I was going to take part in World Naked Gardening Day.

No thanks! I said. There are three green(ish) things in my house. A defunct retired Christmas tree named Larry. A rosemary plant that Collin brought over the other day. And cat grass that my cat loves so much she can’t wait to share it in regurgitated form on wherever I am going to step first thing in the morning.

In twelve years, my neighbor and I have enjoyed a waving relationship. Her living room window is adjacent to my balcony, and we have awkwardly caught each other in underwear shaking out a rug or hanging laundry. The guy who I see on his balcony from my living room celebrates World Naked Gardening Day every day.

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To the Robot Who Gets my Job

After reading a doom and gloom article about the rise of Artificial Intelligence, I have decided to come to peace with the fact that one day a robot will take my job. It’s customary to write a brief email to our successor.

To the Robot Who Gets my Job,

Congratulations! You really deserved this, your rise from south Asian sweatshop to university English teacher is awe inspiring. And in just two days to boot! I applaud you.

Some tidbits about the job. First of all, the coffee maker’s always on the blink, so you’ll have to bring your own from home. Or you could recommend one of your friends for the position. It’s a pretty easy gig, just mornings and after lunch. The office is good enough. You have the window seat so you can wave to your buddies running the drone lot across the street. You need to chip in 200 Koruna each year for everyone’s birthday gifts. Or I guess creation day gifts.

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The Not Bad CV

As I’m hoping to take some work in a related-but-not-language teaching-field, I recently redid my CV. Now, if you’re like me, when you have a job you don’t look at your CV all that much. Oh I know there are some of you who can’t wait to achieve something so that you can alert all of LinkedIn about it. But I don’t seem to be too up on this.

In any event, for two days I thought about all the stuff I’m currently doing / have been doing / had done, much of which boiled down to being able to explain the difference between those three verb tenses. However, one of the best parts of university work is that you are always doing a bunch of stuff that, while massive time consumers and you don’t get paid for it, at least looks solid on a CV. So I start writing my CV story.

And many of you are familiar with the consequent tweaking of terms and words, “made a test” becomes “oversaw the development of the university’s entrance examinations” and “met with teachers once a month and patted their backs while they wept and wondered why they’d made such as mistake as to teach ESL in Prague” is coerced into “senior teacher was in charge of forty teachers and held monthly meetings and workshops on pedagogy and language.”

I have just become a George Carlin skit.

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