The girl is built into the wall, so that her back, waist and shoulders are behind the wall and her knees, forearms, face and pelvis are exposed. Her naughty bits are fully accessible and she is wearing panties. The husband and wife chat about the girl and then sit down for a nutritious breakfast of fruit, coffee, juice and cereal.
The wall girl remains quiet, looking alarmingly unconcerned about the fact that she is built into a wall. Despite my lifelong fear of living wall decorations, I continue to watch.
Eventually the man has his way with the wall girl. Her panties have vanished (one wonders how there were removed since her legs are built into plaster.) Afterward, the husband breathes in deep languid breaths evident of recent carnal activity.
The general mood in my office is not one of arousal, but curiosity. This unusual scenario has spurred not my libido, but my interest in research.
It was Lee who told me about Rule 34, which is the rule that states: “If it exists, there is porn of it. No exceptions.” This concept has always intrigued me and I decide to take this opportunity to delve further into the deranged brilliance of this porn site. So, I say a quick prayer, close all of the drapes, put the blinders on the cat and begin attacking the search option on the website with lustrous abandon.
What happens is wonderful…and disturbing.
Were I to relate the entire catalog of experiments performed that day, it would A. freak most readers out, B. give you mild insight into my the depravities existing in my mind, C. leave me without a date to, well, anything and D. get me arrested in 108 countries and 44 U.S. states.
Instead, I shall give an overview.
Having ended up on Merv Griffin’s Wikipedia page earlier in the day, I decide to type “Game Show” into the search engine. I am rewarded with a Japanese game show in which contestants must ascertain which set of genitalia belongs to their spouse. Their spouse is standing behind a partition with four other people and each person’s genitalia are showing. So the contestant – using hands, mouth, etc – must decide which set of genitalia belongs to their spouse. The catch is that the contestant MUST sleep with the person they choose, even if it’s not their spouse. There is a conspicuous amount of weeping in these films.
The Japanese are brilliant in terms of unusual porn, as they are in horror, comics and T-shirts which make absolutely no sense. I tweak the experiments to see how other nationalities fare in the world of Rule 34.
Being in a German hospital would, as they say, rock. As would working in a French currency exchange office, being an Italian priest or a Dutch horse farmer. The cartoon world is heartily represented as the Muppets, Smurfs, Care Bears, Simpsons, Ren and Stimpy and Voltron all have porn in their honor. You can find fairies that will give you bigger breasts, a bigger penis or just make your girlfriend stay asleep so that you can have fun with the fairy herself.
And if your dog runs away there is no better way to get your mind off of it then to have sexual intercourse with your mother’s shoe polisher.
Each person will judge the world of porn as they want. But whether you think it vulgar, illegal, disgusting, awesome, depraved or demonic, you should tip your cap to the range of imagination that goes into these scenarios. Because, admit it or not, they do strike a cord, for better or for worse, with someone out there. And, since most people can’t see eye to eye on porn, perhaps we can all agree that we have no clear opinion on the Japanese wall girl.
More on Rule 34 this week…don’t worry, it’s not what you think!
Your favorite porn scenario?