It’s rare that a day goes by in which you don’t see a celebrity doing something that makes you realize how much you hate them. Whether it’s Richard Gere having lunch with the Dalai Lama or seeing which gorgeous model Louis C.K. is speckling with his comedic love juices.
And why? The Dalai Lama meets Gere because he made 2.3 good films? Or maybe because he screwed Cindy Crawford…oh, I see now. If Louis C.K wasn’t famous, he’d be having as much model sex as the guy who works at your Dunkin’ Donuts.
But there are times, and these are voluminous, when you are thrilled not to be a celebrity.
If you ever get glum watching Danny DeVito get tall women or anybody from *NSYNC be allowed to live, here is a list of reasons it’s great not to be a celebrity.
5. We Can Get Arrested
In between porn sites last night, I was scanning my favorite news source (Facebook) and came across Jason London’s unfortunate tale. London is an actor who typically plays good guys in films, has a good sense of humor and is widely likeable and liked. Well, last night he got hammered, got in a fight, got his right orbital broken and then dropped a deuce in the back of a police car. His mug shot is only marginally better than that of Nick Nolte’s post DUI impersonation of Krusty the Clown.
But you and I can get arrested in relative anonymity! If you and I go out drinking and get arrested, the only people who will care are our significant others, our moms and the guy who has to stow our shoe laces. Also, there is some satisfaction in knowing you can poop your pants wherever and whenever you want with only personal shame to deal with…unless ‘you’ are Jason London, of course.
4. Sex Tape
OK, pay attention to this, just in case you should ever become famous. It doesn’t matter if you are a 675 pound troglodytic triple amputee, if you are famous, people will want to watch you fuck. This has been proven dozens of times as people have bought, downloaded and distributed sex tapes from several unattractive B actors and Hasbeens. More disturbing examples of this rule include Screech from Saved by the Bell and ‘female’ wrestling star Chyna, who was apparently so excited to do her movie that she broke her penis during filming.
But normal slobs such as ourselves can do anything we want on film and nobody – for the most part – will care. Hypothetically, you could dress like batman and film yourself mounting Jabba the Huttová while your cat looks on reproachfully, which is annoying because that animal cleans her butt with her tongue and you never say anything, right? Hypothetically.
3. You’re Fatty Fatty Fat Fat and Fat will not Fat at all or Fat because of Fat Fat
Oh, is there a better past time than mocking those once gorgeous celebrities who have spiraled into the depths of normality by losing their looks? There is Marlon Brando, Elizabeth Taylor and Kathleen Turner.
Now to be sure, this is as unfair as it gets. People are people and they lose their looks. But with celebrities there seems to be such a passive aggressive joy in watching them fall from physical grace. Bridget Bardot was the sex symbol for an entire generation and now looks like a toad…and people love it.
Me, well, I can (do) sit on my couch in my pajamas eating HoHos and drinking butter flavored butter and nobody cares. So when you consider the unfairness of celebrities getting preferential treatment and sex partners you couldn’t get if you taped hundred-dollar bills to your genitalia, just sit back, open a pack of sugary sugar cookies with sugar and wash it down with a liter of beer. Because nobody cares how you look. Life is great!
2. We don’t have to be Scientologists
First of all, we don’t have to praise Tom Cruise’s ass nuggets. Secondly, we can drink, take pills if we want, cause we’re, oh I don’t know, humans! We can look ourselves in the mirror and people in the eyes when we tell them about our beliefs. And best of all, we aren’t involved in a religion that is younger than my father and most modern architecture.
But this goes far deeper than Scientology, which is only the tip of the faux-iceberg. You don’t have to save the frigging whales, you don’t have to pretend to give a shit about animal rights, you don’t have to adopt 300 children just so people know how caring you are and you don’t have to wear glasses to look smart. You can say stupid things without having to apologize for five weeks (exemption if you’re married) and then go on talk shows and discuss your anger and how you are praying for salvation and guidance.
FUCK YOU, celebrities! We normal schmucks don’t have to worry about our bullshit image. We can be idiots and get away with it. As opposed to being as see through as my Sunday afternoon shame negligee.
1. Not being Justin Bieber
In times of strife, sometimes the only thing that gets you through a day is knowing that you’re not Justin Bieber. People don’t plan to kidnap you, nobody wants to castrate you, nobody pretends that you have impregnated them and nobody mocks your hairstyle. Oh yeah, and hey, you don’t have to be Justin Bieber!
So enjoy the day, my normal friends!
