Sh*t You Just Don’t Say

1983 I´m Surrounded By Idiots PinI was sitting on a tram when I heard it. A man’s voice in clear, American English to his female companion:

“Have you gained weight?”

In a country where the inhabitants keep to themselves so much so that you could beat a screeching hyena to death with another screeching hyena and not garner a response, it is telling that this garnered a reaction from the passengers. Everyone on the tram did one of two things: Wince or look at the man wearing some expression conveying awe. I did both.

There was no reaction from the woman, who simply sat in quiet and plotted his grisly death. Had the man enjoyed one or more brain cells (which he obviously didn’t) he’d have understood that he was in the deepest shit of his life. He didn’t, so he continued.

“I mean, it’s OK, you’re just a little big—chunkier than when you first got here.”



Fortunately for the man, a car drove into the tram, thus providing a distraction grand enough to help him elude murder.

I decided then and there that I would dedicate today’s blog to keeping stupid people alive. So, I have scraped my memory and scoured my journals and notebooks and compiled this list of things that actual people have actually said to other people. Some of those people have been me, on both sides of the conversation.

If you are stupid, then your only job is to read (if you can) this list and NEVER repeat any of it. If you are smart then add to this list, for we must help the dummies!

Sh*t you just don’t say:

“Don’t worry, cankles can be sexy on a girl if she wears them right.”

“You’re not fat. Well, you’re not any fatter than you were when you were pregnant.” (Me)

“You’re a sturdy woman.” (You know who you are)

Her: “So, you know how Osama Bin Laden is sort of sexy?”

Me: “Is there another Osama Bin Laden?”

Her: “I don’t think so.”

Me: “Then, no.”

“I like black people.” (The first and only words my white male companion said to a black busboy at a restaurant)

(Busboy’s response) “Thank you sir, I’ll let the others know.”

“You’re the nicest Jew I know.” (Actual compliment given to a friend of mine. Not by me.)

“Why don’t you rock a Hitler stache?”

“Hitler had some good ideas.”

“Geez, I wish people would stop whining about the Holocaust.”

A: “Everyone knows when you make a sex tape you have to wear a leather bag on your head.”

B: “Well, duh.”

“Women have orgasms?”

“English is the easier language on the world.”

“I’m probably going to cheat on you; I’ve cheated on all the others. That’s why I’m single.”

“What can I threaten to take away from my employees in order to motivate them?”

“Don’t worry, he likes bigger girls.”

Man: “Size absolutely doesn’t matter and anyone who tells you that has a small dick.”

“I call my mother.” (In answer to the question: What do you do immediately after watching porn?)

“I voted for George W. Bush. Twice.”

Over to you

I demand that you add to this list! And since I know many of you, and I know that you know lots and lots of stupid people, you should all have some line to add to a list called sh*t you just don’t say!

  1. #1 by Meghan on May 9, 2013 - 2:58 pm

    I know I have said plenty of stupid things myself but one of my friend’s chronically says really really stupid sh@t. Including this he said recently to one of our female friends:

    “Hey, [redacted] are you pregnant?”

    [Redacted] stares incredulously.

    “Well, if it’s your boyfriend’s you should probably get it aborted.”

    • #2 by Damien Galeone on May 9, 2013 - 3:26 pm

      That’s like a professional hit!

  2. #3 by Adam on May 9, 2013 - 5:24 pm

    I remember a Canadian colleague of ours some time ago who came up with pure gems every single day, most of which I have now unfortunately forgotten.

    A few I do remember:
    “It must really suck to be poor”

    Her: “I washed my wellington boots yesterday and now they don’t fit”
    Me: “Really? That’s a shame”
    Her: “Maybe I put the machine on too high”

  3. #4 by PJ on May 9, 2013 - 7:19 pm

    One of my colleagues came back from having a baby and had this interaction with a customer:
    Customer: Pregnant again already? Congratulations!
    Colleague (with murderous look): I’M NOT PREGNANT!!!
    Smokey outline where customer used to be standing and a fading “Sorry” coming from the exit
    I almost bit through my cheek keeping myself from laughing

  4. #5 by Jared on May 9, 2013 - 8:23 pm

    I love these lists and seeing that I teach freshman in a public school, I could probably add volumes. Here a couple that really stand out from this year:

    (discussing Shakespeare)…he was born in the 1500’s
    (student response) how is that possible; aren’t we in the 13’s now? (I assume confusing 2013 with the 1300’s).
    (upon finding out that I have a twin brother)…really? Can you bring him in?
    (me) He lives in Europe.
    (student) Well, how do we know he isn’t here right now and you are in Europe?
    (me…holding my head and weeping for the future)

    • #6 by Damien Galeone on May 10, 2013 - 8:05 am

      Holy Crap! You mean I’ve been hanging out with you this whole time and not P.J?!

  5. #7 by Hokey Pokey Trainer on May 14, 2013 - 8:19 pm

    I usually enjoy my brain cells with fava beans.

  6. #8 by Allison on May 15, 2013 - 8:45 pm

    “That’s exactly what your mother/father would do” or “you sound just like your mother/father”
    especially when referring to a much complained about trait in said parent.

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