The Return of the Czedi

September 16th 2008 - Only What You Take With YouI have always considered The Czech Republic a primarily atheist country. The Pope – the last one – called the Czechs “too worldly,” meaning they drink beer, fuck each other, and don’t seem to care much about what lies ahead.

So when I saw that in a countrywide census over 1,000,000 Czechs consider themselves Roman Catholics, and over 700,000 say they believe in God, I was a little surprised.

Oh yeah, and 15,000 of them are Jedi.

Yes, that kind of Jedi.

At first, I am surprised at the knowledge that I live among so many monastic knights. But then, after some rumination, it all begins to make sense. Here’s why.


The most famous piece of Jedi equipment is the lightsaber. Any sabers around Prague?

Oh yes.

One of the things I have always wondered about concerning the Czechs was why so many of them travel through the city toting implements of medieval warfare and hand to hand combat. There are swords everywhere. And at times, boarding a tram with a group of sword-wielding obviously-IT guys is a little unsettling.

It didn’t dawn on me until after reading the census that the Czedis have merely been practicing all this time. They are going to some Millennium Falcon out in Prague 7 to do training exercises in preparation for the arrival of the dark Jedi (Italian tourists).


Like most Star Wars nuts I yearn to possess the skill, speed, and overall awesomeness of a Jedi knight. I want to be able to do a Force jump, move with ultra-speed, and speak in Liam Neeson’s voice. I would kill to be able to telekinetically transport a packet of cookies from my kitchen to my couch. I want to have everything that a Jedi has…except their style.

I guess Jedis have a whole lot more to worry about than looking fashionable or grooming. I love Jedis, but boy they go out of their way to look like intergalactic shit. They either have straggly hair, short hair with one fucking dread sticking out of it, or hair like Mark Hamill’s – think 1976 lifeguard. They dress in rags, long shirts, and brown, lots of brown. They are always ready for the desert. Oh, and of course, socks with sandals.

Have you ever seen an average Czech man dressed and outside in the world? If you haven’t, just remove any references to Jedi in the previous paragraph and apply it to a Czech man. You have your Czedi.

The Force

Obi-Honza Kanobi once described The Force as something which “…surrounds us and penetrates us.” The Force is an invisible and ubiquitous power that controls everything in the universe.

And in the Czech universe part of that power can be referred to as The Pressure.

The Pressure is responsible for everything that happens in the Czech Republic. Like The Force, it is a mysterious and vague term, and nobody can give it a concrete definition, sort of like The Nature. Unfortunately, however, The Pressure is a dark power. Its existence and fluctuation is linked to a series of physical and mental maladies, from exhaustion to neck pain. Like Darth Vader, it causes tension headaches and sore throats. Everything is blamed on The Pressure.

“My nipples are itchy today.”

“Oh well, The Pressure has changed.”


But The Force is present in other ways too. On public transport in summer The Force pervades every molecule and atom in the tram or on the metro. If The Force is strong enough on a tram or metro people can cough, tear up, and plead for momentary loss of nasal function. This calls to mind Lukaš Skywalkeríčku’s response to Honza Kanobi’s description of The Force: “Well, no kidding it surrounds and penetrates us, you’re not wearing any deodorant.”

One who can manipulate The Force has much power. This power is held by those who do not wish to work in any way, shape, or form. This power of The Force is strongest in bureaucrats, shopkeepers, and bartenders after 11:00 pm. As they can easily sway you into a brainwashed state with mind tricks with something like:

“This isn’t the pub you are looking for. Move along.”

  1. #1 by Andy on October 17, 2013 - 9:08 pm

    I’d love (hate?) to see the same figures of the religious population in my current stomping grounds. We could probably (definitely?) do with a few more Jedi and a few less Bible-thumpers.

    Although, I gotta say, the new Pope is one helluva breath of fresh air. Maybe he’s secretly a Jedi…

    • #2 by Damien Galeone on October 24, 2013 - 8:21 am

      Andy, I think all Jesuits are…

Comments are closed.