Damien Galeone

I’m feeling particularly scattered today. I am having trouble concentrating on anything for longer than a few moments. I feel like I have ADHD or something and I blame my dwindling attention span on the rising popularity of segmented articles.

Apology and Retraction: The author would like to take this opportunity to state that he has nothing but respect and admiration for segmented articles and meant nothing in his joke about them and their alleged role in the development of ADHD. Moreover, he understands that the issue of ADHD as a result of segmented articles is nothing to joke about and he understands that words hurt. He fully retracts his seemingly harmless joke and asks that all writers and readers of segmented articles make several short prayers for him as he strives for a better understanding of this important issue.

Anyway, as I was saying, I am feeling rather….disjointed today. I am lying on my bed and trying to read (not segmented articles). The straky (magpies) are in a strange combat outside my window and they are dancing on my terrace railing and calling to each other. This is driving the B Monster insane, which is good because it has drawn her attention away from me.

For some reason, cats – or at least mine – really like playing a game obviously entitled Get My Asshole as Close to the Human’s Nose as Often as Possible. As I drift into an asshole free moment thanks to the birds, I reflect on the origin of this game. Does it have some etymology? As is often the case in these and other matters, I blame the Ancient Egyptians.

Apology and Retraction: The author would like to apologize for that insensitive comment. He has nothing but admiration and respect for the great culture which brought us beer, scarabs, ritualistic mummification, and probably cat asshole games. He in no way, shape, or form meant any disrespect towards this great civilization or the games they trained their cats to play with their assholes. He understands that mockery of ancient civilizations is an important issue and fully apologizes for and retracts his slur. He asks that all ancient Egyptians everywhere pray to Ra for guidance as he contemplates the deeper meaning behind his hurtful words.

So, back to my lazy day. I decide to watch The Gray, a film about some guys who crash in Alaska and then get hunted by wolves. Though I am disturbed by the fact that I always seem to watch airplane disaster films thirty days before a flight, it does allow me to fulfill my life’s dream of watching Liam Neeson fight a wolf to the death.

Apology and Retraction: The author would like to take this opportunity to apologize for that hurtful and insensitive comment. He understands that there is nothing to joke about when it comes to Liam Neeson or his ability to fight wolves. He fully regrets and retracts the comment, and asks that Liam Neeson and wolves everywhere – wild and in captivity – pray for him in this difficult time of reflection and sadness. He also regrets seeing the film, as it essentially blew.

Gosh, where was I? I am not really sure anymore since I keep getting sidelined with all these apologies. Scattered today as I am, I find myself thinking about apologies, our international obsession with them, and what the next ten years will bring. I then realize that things in the world would probably be better if more people read Kurt Vonnegut and had a sense of humor.

Apology and Retraction: The author understands that joking about people who are unaware of or not a fan of the works of Kurt Vonnegut is insensitive and hurtful. He further understands that there is nothing funny about lacking a sense of humor and regrets his actions and poorly chosen words. He would like to ask all those without a sense of humor and those who don’t enjoy Kurt Vonnegut to pray to Kilgore Trout for him in this trying time of reflection and regret.

I foresee a long afternoon.

Apology and Retraction: The author regrets his joke about long afternoons…