Facebook Kids

sad potty picLittle Cutter just shit his diaper and it looks like an orange hobgoblin!

Little Tristan plays with his little wiener all day long.

Little Chloe touched an old lady’s boob and barked like a seal. So cute!

I see status updates like this every day on Facebook:

Little [Enter trendy baby name here] has been [Enter embarrassing activity here].

OK, let’s get a few things straight. I know that when it comes to kids I come off as a grumpy curmudgeon. I guess people jump to that conclusion because I say things like, “I hate kids,” or “Get that horrible monster away from me.” Prejudiced jerks.

The truth is that I like kids. Well, I don’t dislike them. Actively. I put on the curmudgeon act more for comedic effect than anything else. Usually. Sometimes. Do not bring your child to my house. Ever.

Still, I am not writing this to complain about my Facebook friends who are parents. I am not writing about you, whoever you are. If you are still friends with me on Facebook, I obviously do not find your brand of child promotion that offensive. And if you aren’t friends with me on Facebook, then what do you care?

I am writing this because I am concerned.

In a few years, we are going to have whole societies of teenagers whose every detail of childhood is known to 350 people they have never met. So strangers will know that little Tristan used to diddle his weenie when he was young. Strangers will know that little Cutter got his ass kicked by his sister and that little Siobhan had a persistent rash on her rump.

And then there are the pictures: prenatal, postnatal, awkward, sleeping, naked. The worst thing my parents ever did – well, that I haven’t suppressed – was breaking out the photo album when my prom date arrived. Now, all of a kid’s embarrassing pictures are on public display. The most I do is embarrass my cat and how much can you embarrass an animal which eats her own puke and lick cleans her own butt?

Facebook kids will not enjoy the same privacy I did about things that could cause a kid a lot of embarrassment. And while most parents surely do not post about their kids with the intention of invading their privacy, it could have that effect. This in turn could make them grumpier, moodier, and more irrational – so, business as usual in the teenage world. My mother once mentioned my D in Calculus to a neighbor and I threw an epic temper tantrum. I don’t know how I’d react if my mother mentioned my propensity for eating boogies or licking paste to dozens of people I never met.

Interactions like this will become every day!

Tristan: “I want this position because I feel I can offer a lot to this company.”

Interviewer: (looking at resume) “Tristan Jones? Oh gosh, I’m Facebook friends with your mom. Did you ever stop touching your penis?”

Tristan: “Yes.”

Actually, I don’t know why I’m worried. Facebook kids also put their totally personal details on public display. By the time they are in their teens, it will be common to write status updates about your gynecological visits and your anal polyps.

I guess an orange hobgoblin poop doesn’t sound so bad after all, does it?

  1. #1 by Kelly on December 15, 2013 - 9:59 pm

    YES. Jesus, I think this all the time when I see someone posting a status about still breastfeeding their two year old or chronic rashes and health issues. Even simple photos, when they’re constantly updated, I feel like it’s unfair to the kid. They aren’t asking to be all over the internet and aren’t given a choice in the matter. Speaking of children not having a say in what’s placed in the public eye, one of my dickhead friends Instagrammed a photo of me passed out in the coat room of a holiday party last night. So I feel like I can relate.

    • #2 by Damien Galeone on December 15, 2013 - 11:11 pm

      Yeah, I totally agree with you on those points. Also, taking a picture of a passed out friend isn’t such a huge thing, but posting it to social media is a total dick move. Asshole.

      K – how insanely happy are you that these social sites and such weren’t available when we were in college?

      • #3 by Kelly on December 19, 2013 - 5:34 am

        I can’t tell you how many times I’ve had that conversation. I was just going through some old high school photos and the thought of my dumb ass having posted them on Facebook gives me the chills.

  2. #4 by Chris on December 16, 2013 - 3:51 pm

    Yes. Yes. Yes. I agree with everything. By the way Tristan and Siobhan?? Hilarity!

  3. #6 by Andy on December 17, 2013 - 4:50 pm

    Personally, I’m more worried that little Tristan STOPPED touching his penis. It’s the best toy any male could ever ask for!

    Kid sounds like a budding sociopath to me.

  4. #8 by Tiffany N. York on January 2, 2014 - 4:48 am

    Um, yeah. I’m just gonna go ahead and plead the fifth over here regarding boys and their penises, mmm-kay?

    • #9 by Damien Galeone on January 3, 2014 - 4:10 pm

      T – fifth noted. But I do think you’re more discreet than what I am talking about in this post.

(will not be published)