21st Century Breakup

That Awkward Moment When...A friend was recently dumped via Facebook. In his ex’s defense, she did write him a personal IM and didn’t post it to his wall.

Cindy > Gary

Hey, we’re through. So long and thanks for the two years of your life.

3 likes  1 comment

Gary:   I’m keeping the jewelry.

My 21st century breakup experience was an email a couple years ago. It was from a girl I’d been dating who’d gone abroad. I don’t remember the exact wording, but the gist was clear: I want you out of my way like an old person at a grocery store and I don’t want to spend money on a long distance call. It was the grammatical mistakes that were the real kick in the pants. I’d been her teacher.

After my breakup I asked some students to write a story about the worst breakup they knew about and the stories could have featured at a war crimes trial. One girl told of a friend who’d been dumped by his girlfriend while waiting for her at a restaurant. Yes. It seems that on the way to the restaurant she met another guy on the tram and had a drink with him. After deciding that he was a more suitable mate she texted – yes, texted – her current, soon to be ex, boyfriend and dumped him. Another student told of a guy who dumped his girlfriend in a recorded Skype message. His excuse was that he’d tried to call on Skype, but her line was busy.

Um. What?

It’s no secret that social media and technology are changing social interactions and relationships in our daily lives. IM and skype are replacing face to face conversations. Dating sites are replacing single’s bars. Face to face flirting is being replaced with sexting. Cybersex and webcams are the 21st century’s answer to the one night stand and prostitution. Perhaps the lack of face to face contact is making us less aware of the actual person on the other side of that conversation.

But breaking up? Come on. In the first place, if you are breaking up with someone it means that you have a relationship with them. And that means you owe them a face to face, good old fashioned dumping. A good breakup should be sweaty and unpleasant. There should be tears and anger and insinuations of poor sexual performance and comments about small penises and big asses that will linger in the brain for months. Breaking up is the one time you should just have the balls to buy someone a beer in their favorite pub and tell them you are screwing their sister. Hypothetically. If you do this on Facebook you are robbing that person of the perfect combination of adrenalin, pain, and shock that will allow them to tell you why you suck right to your face.

So, what’s next?

Will the Facebook breakup soon become a matter of changed statuses?

Cindy Jones is in a relationship with Gary Smith       12:01 pm

Cindy Jones has changed her status to single 12:03 pm

Cindy Jones is now in a relationship with Fred Washington 12:05 pm

Gary Smith > Cindy Jones


Cindy Jones > Gary Smith

Didn’t you read my status?

Maybe breakups will be done as Tweets or Instagram photos in which the dumper and their new mate holding up a sign and making a sad face. Perhaps a whole new meaning for Dropbox. Maybe we’re on the verge of a new social media site – youvebeendumped.com. A site for the dumped to go and find out they’ve been dumped while Eliot Smith is played in the background and their profiles are released to the other dumped who fit their compatibility.

I’d write more, but I’ve got to go purchase a domain name and a web host.

What’s your worst 21st Century getting dumped story?

  1. #1 by greg galeone on January 20, 2014 - 12:10 am

    texting allows some to feed their cowardice. so it is here to stay.

  2. #2 by Lonnie P on January 20, 2014 - 4:25 pm

    Great stuff here as always, Damien. Just this time not good enough for me to make an international call or send an international text. Too costly. You understand…


    • #3 by Damien Galeone on January 21, 2014 - 9:00 am

      Slut. I was just an international Scott Rolen to you, wasn’t I?

  3. #4 by Michelle on January 20, 2014 - 4:50 pm

    I got married before MySpace was cool, so I have no experience with this, but I noticed a change in stalkers this century.

    First one, when I met my husband, we were in the military. There was also this guy I met in tech school, who got kicked out, and moved back home and then one day at my first duty station, he called me to pick him up at the bus station. Yeah, he moved halfway across country to be with me knowing he is friend zoned. Then he texted or called every 5 minutes, and he had no understanding that I couldn’t answer my phone or respond during the duty day. So then, angry I was ignoring him, he started leaving messages like, “I want to take your hair and strangle you to death with it.” Nobody in my chain of command cared or was concerned because I was a female in the military and was just creating drama like females do. Meanwhile, my future husband had a girl texting him all the time saying crazy stuff because he wasn’t responding to her every 5 minute texts fast enough. So we texted her my stalkers phone number and we haven’t heard from either since then.

    Meanwhile, I move back home and find out an ex boyfriend, who is also a cop, keeps driving passed my mother’s house in hopes to see me back in town. It was so bad, I guess the neighbors had complained to his department because he tends to drive too fast. It was really annoying because I’m like ducking him in fear he’ll abuse his power as a cop to mess with me or my family, but eventually that all stopped. I haven’t seen him drive pass my mother’s house since the invention of Facebook. He did friend request me once, and I didn’t respond, and after 2 days, I guess he unfriend requested me because I didn’t respond.

    Cyberstalking is the new stalking. It does make it easier for chickeny types to stalk because there’s less risk of being spotted, so I’m sure it’s increased, but at least my mom’s street is safer for children and pets.

    • #5 by Damien Galeone on January 21, 2014 - 9:01 am

      You are absolutely right, Michelle! And that’s a great point – tech and the net have given the cowardly a whole new way to be cowards, haven’t they?

  4. #6 by angela galeone on January 20, 2014 - 8:21 pm

    Damien–you never fail to make me laugh. This is awesome

  5. #7 by Adam on January 21, 2014 - 12:21 am

    I broke up with a girl in an online video game once. And before you ask, yes, we were actually dating in real life. We got in a fight one day, in the game world, through text, and broke up then and there.

    She refused to give me my mage’s wand back, so I stopped paying for her account.

    The worst part about that whole story is that it’s true.

    • #8 by Damien Galeone on January 21, 2014 - 9:02 am

      Can you please please tell me that you were dressed as a 4th level cleric as this happened? Oh please, it’s my birthday in nine short months!

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