My Shite List

The Shit ListPeople of Earth, I declare that I am a reasonably easygoing and friendly dude. But holy mother, you guys are good at pushing those limits of reason with your irritating habits and actions. And every once in a while a man has just got to get it off his chest how annoying you can all be. So, if your actions or habits resemble anything on this list, please consider changing your behavior.

Tesco Shoppers

Every day I go shopping. And every day this happens. A man brings up 12 items, puts them down on the counter, and the cashier rings them through. The man watches. When the total comes, the man looks surprised, and then he begins looking for money. Once he has searched for coins and my psychopathic rage is hovering up there with the Hubble, that’s when he asks for a bag and starts bagging his groceries.

I know. It’s astounding. But, my dear Czech friend, you have to come to terms with the fact that every time – yes, every time – you purchase things at a shop, the cashier will ask you for money. It’s remarkable, I know. How dare they! But the fact of the matter is, when you look stupefied by this action, I want to shove a bowling ball up your asshole and go for a 7-10 split.

So, like the Boy Scouts of America, be prepared!

People who Bring Babies to Restaurants

I know, I know. This is a very popular debate and I could give less than two shits about differing opinions on it. I have godsons, nephews, nieces, cousins and children of very close friends and I truly love them all. And when I go to a house that is being ruled by the poop factory, fire alarm poltergeist that is your baby, I invite the irritation.

But – and it’s a big but – when you bring it to a restaurant, then I hate you for having a baby there. Read again: I HATE YOU.

I know this is hard to understand. You just brought that little miracle into the world, how could anybody on Earth possibly find its shrieking and wailing unpleasant? How?

Please get this to your mind: nobody – I repeat, nobody – in the room, restaurant, pub, or café that you are in finds your baby’s verbal emissions charming. No one. And if they do, then they are idiots.

Facebook Passive Aggressive

Stop. You know who you are. And just stop.

You don’t tell me what to do! I am a person with my own brain and if you think you are gonna disrespect me then you are wrong. (392 likes)

Oh Christ. We get it. We all know that someone pissed you off and no, we don’t know who it is. But I think I join most of the other people on Facebook when I advise you to grow a pair and SAY SOMETHING TO THEM! Oh, this also goes for Facebook Melodramatic, Facebook sappy, and (worst of all) Facebook Mopey.

Just. Stop.

Mobile Morons

In the last few minutes of a final lesson with a group last week, we started talking about their future plans. There seemed to be a lot of uncertainty and fear, as they were about to leave university and step into the real world. As a dude who has sort of lived in the real world for a while, I gave a little advice and just when it seemed that the students were really getting into my advice, someone’s mobile phone went off. The ring tone was something last heard at LSD night in Studio 54 and it was at a volume that could be heard in the Kremlin. Fortunately, the mobile was buried somewhere in her enormous sack, so it took her the better part of a minute to find it.

“It’s OK,” I told her, “I really wanted an air raid siren to go off during that talk.”

People, your mobile does not entitle you to disregard the people who share the space around you. It a true test of someone’s respect for those around him or her is how they handle the awesome responsibility that is mobile phone ownership.

Sadly, 85% of you are failing that test.

Who’s on your shite list? 

  1. #1 by HokeyPokeyTrainer on June 19, 2014 - 6:50 pm

    Humourless whiners.

  2. #3 by Mary Widdicks on June 21, 2014 - 3:58 am

    Somebody’s a grumpy gus today 😉

    Actually, I’m kinda with you on most of these. I do bring my kids to restaurants, but only loud ones…on a week day…at 5pm. The old people eating at that time can’t hear us over the music anyway.

    • #4 by Damien Galeone on June 21, 2014 - 10:50 am

      You know, I really do mean the first line of this post – I am normally pretty easygoing, but sometimes, oh, sometimes the human race can really get to me! So, I guess I am a Grumpy Gus today. haha. But we’re all entitled sometimes, eh?

  3. #5 by Allison on June 21, 2014 - 5:17 am

    People who complain about and try to get pity for things that are totally their own fault.

    “Oh no! that awful profesor failed me on the test”
    -Did you study? no
    -Were you hungover when you took it? yes

    “Oh no! my kids never behave and sass me all the time”
    -Have you tried any discipline, at all, ever? nope.

    “Oh no! I’m so broke”
    -Were you at the bar 4 times last week? yep.
    -Did you just buy a new outfit/gadget/piece of useless crap? yep.
    -Have you ever worked a day in your life? nope.

    etc., etc.

    • #6 by Damien Galeone on June 21, 2014 - 10:51 am

      Allie, I agree. Yes. Especially on the student bit, as I get those “Woe is me!” stories from incredulous victims every June. Maybe that’s what pushed me over the edge.

  4. #7 by Eddie on June 22, 2014 - 7:44 pm

    Next door neighbor who talks to her dog like it understands English to try to get him to do stuff. An incredulous “stop Barking Dudley! How many times do I have to tell you?”. Train him not to bark!

    He doesn’t understand English and I some how don’t think he ever will. You can tell him a billion times and he will never pick it up. He by the way (Dudley) is right under our window (Town House) barking at every squirrel at 5:30 in the morning with window open weather. My alarm clock is set for a bit later…

    Also kind of like your tesco Shopper, on the turnpike when I swerve to go to the toll booth with less traffic and the guy or gal in the car in front of me is rummaging through their pockets for the toll amount.

  5. #8 by Damien Galeone on June 23, 2014 - 9:34 am

    Ah Edwardo, this would cause great stress to me. Perhaps I should visit my doctor and ask for some pills. Anyway, I think a couple nights at the Langhorne in August will help us, do you?

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