Weird Things that Happen to you in Autumn

fallThere’s really something about autumn. The crisp cool air. Cobalt blue skies bleeding into a spooky dusk. The smell of wet leaves.

It’s no secret that other things change in the fall. Moods. Outlooks. I always feel more nostalgic and reminiscent. I crave different foods. Stews. Soups. Bread. Roasts. I want different comforts than I did in the summer. Sweaters. Movie marathons. Rainy days reading in bed.

Everyone who goes through the autumnal season change can commiserate with the switches that happen within them during September and October.

And while a trillion words have been written waxing nostalgic and poetic about autumn, nobody ever seems to pinpoint why we feel different in this time of year. Perhaps it’s a job for science.

After four cups of coffee and a morning of internet research, here are some weird things that happen to you during autumn.

Women become more attractive

Men typically find women more attractive in the fall, which might go against logic. It would seem more logical that men would find women most attractive in spring and summer when women are showing off their butts and cleavage more via flimsier clothing. But actually, it’s after we men stop being exposed to a constant supply of scantily clad women that we shift our attractiveness criteria to work in women’s favor. This is called the “contrast effect.”

So after women put the boobs back in the vault and don their autumnal cozy look they are more likely to draw the attention of a rutting stoat.

We Gotta Have it!

In the first place, research shows that men’s testosterone level rises and everyone’s – men and women – hormone levels rise in Autumn. This suggests that we all have a higher sex drive this time of year. We – evidently – gotta have it in autumn.

This is so much so that autumn is the time of year women can get men to watch romantic comedies. In the cooler months of autumn we want warmth and comfort in every way – and that means physically and psychologically, as there is a neural crossover between the two.

That’s right. Men want to mate so badly in autumn that we will suffer through a Julia Roberts film. A suggestion: wear a sweater and jeans when you ask him to watch Eat Pray Love.


Whoever said that the way to a man’s heart was through his stomach said it during the autumn. It turns out that we gents have evolved to be sexually geared up by food. And what better time than the harvest to eat, drink, and find a mate to make a litter of revelers with?

It gets better.

It turns out that of the odors and foods that men find arousing, the smell and taste of pumpkin-anything gets the blood flowing more than anything. Scientists have found that a scented mix of pumpkin pie and donuts increase the penile flow by 20% and a mix of pumpkin and lavender increase it by 40%.

So all of those mocking white girls for their autumnal pumpkin fetish might want to back the hell off. They’re just trying to land a dude. But maybe it’s not a guy’s heart she’s trying to reach through his stomach…

The Gain and Fall

If men were able to force their eyes a foot and a half or so up from where they were looking all summer, they might have noticed women’s hair. In the summer, women’s hair grows fuller and more luscious to protect the scalp from the intense sun.

In the autumn that hair falls out. Yes, so this means that your autumn is spent staring at your brush saying, ‘Uh. What?’

But look on the bright side, at least you’ll gain weight this month too. The lack of vitamin D (which we get from the sun) reduces fat breakdown and triggers fat storage. Fortunately, this doesn’t come at a time of year when we tend to eat more. Oh wait…

Don’t worry, my Uncle Bert is chubby and bald, and he’s pretty cute. But he can play the ukulele so it’s sort of an unfair advantage.

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