Let’s go hunt down a shark after this
I read an interesting article this weekend entitled 12 Things about Being a Woman that Women Won’t Tell you by Esquire writer Caitlin Moran. It was a well-written, interesting, and humorous article relating some points of view to those of us sporting Y chromosomes.
It got me thinking that as a guy I could do something similar. And while I lean more heavily on humor, here are some things that guys feel, think, or deal with that we might not be telling you.
Our Bodies
The common perception is that we men do not care about what we look like. That we rely heavily on a society hypocritically obsessed with female bodily perfection while advocating male bodily leniency.
This is partly true. Many of us do understand that women have this harder than us, but we also worry a great deal about how we look. We hate seeing the belly poking over the belt or wearing a shirt that accentuates our budding man-boobs. We worry that we are too short, too hairy, too pudgy, too bald, or too gawky to attract other humans.
Every time a chiseled gent like Channing Tatum or Michael Fassbender struts nonchalantly god-like on screen we instinctively suck in our bellies and hate him.
Oh. We know.
Our Willies
Most guys have come to terms with whatever weapon they are sporting just below the belt, but the perception of guys as a mob of cocksure swinging dicks is pretty inaccurate.
While most of us are comfortable (and even happy) with what we have, this will not stop us from reading articles on the subject (Women talk about ideal size, What to know about dick size, What is average?). And since there are roughly 180,000,000 articles on the subject, that gives us plenty to read. We compare. We contrast. We feel at times insecure. And there is an internal groan and head shake when we see a pecker that could be used to transport refugees across large bodies of water.
Moreover, we do have bad dick days. Days when it just doesn’t fit right in our boxers or won’t stop chafing against our jeans. Days we sort of wish we could leave it in a jar by the bed.
Get the machete
We Understand
If a woman in our life says she needs shoes, a new dress, or a new bag, we guys instantly envision your packed-to-capacity closet teeming with accessories, shoes and clothing, and we roll our eyes. But the naughty truth is that we actually understand and we understand because of one compound noun: T-shirts.
A quick peek inside of my T-shirt bureau would frighten an Amazon river guide. There are roughly 120 shirts in it, of which I wear about nine on a regular basis. Some of them are old, torn, mud-stained, too small, too big, or yellow. And yet I will not part with one without three weeks of deep consideration and a week’s period of adjustment afterwards.
So, we sort of get it.
We also sort of get The Period. Let’s just say the word, OK? Period. Period. The period. Your period. Despite the popular stigma and the stereotypical “relationship” between men and the period, most of us are not as afraid as is believed.
Many people think that when it comes to the period, men are either oblivious or terrified. But we’re not. Most of us understand what it is and what it means. Additionally, we have a theoretical understanding of the discomfort and pain you are going through.
However
We also know that we don’t have to (and have never had to) deal with a period, and therefore we feel stuck between a rock and a hard place when the women in our lives are dealing with theirs. It’s like trying to console a combat veteran. We want to help. We want to make you feel better and we’ll do anything to help you deal with the pain, but if you haven’t been there, you don’t know.
Secrets
Our secrets are not very juicy. Here’s an overview.
We watch romantic comedies. We do. Alone. And yet if you ask us to watch one with you we will kick and pout and put up a fuss. Don’t ask why, we just will.
While we don’t search the internet for anything too out of hand, we would rather harbor a pregnant black widow in our rectum than let anyone see our internet search history.
Also, there is a list of films that make us cry and we will not admit to this. When alone, we sing along to female vocalists in a higher pitched voice. We have imagined every person we know naked at least once. We sometimes just want to cuddle.
Some of our secrets are just too random to explain. For example, we are…
Walter Mitty
We have been shown our whole lives in the movies we adore and the idols we have that a real guy lives a life of excitement and adventure. When many of us get into our twenties we find that this is not everyday life. We may surely have adventures, but our day-to-day lives may be relatively mundane.
It doesn’t sound too exciting to point out the metro station to a tourist or help an old lady into a seat on the tram, so we need to make our days more exciting.
And that is why we often create a bunch of imaginary scenarios a day. To add a little personal spice to life. So we flush in the middle of a pee and try to beat it (if we don’t, the building will blow up). We go beastmode upstairs (sometimes to a countdown), and when our get to our door we need to beat zombies or a werewolf inside.
Mantasy island
Just as our secrets aren’t juicy, our fantasy world isn’t what you’d think. If asked to imagine a man’s fantasy world, one might immediately picture a guy with his buddies in a harem of beautiful mute women, ESPN on TV, steaks, and full cases of beer.
Wrong
As you all know, real life rarely consists of simple problems with easy answers. Family, work pressure, financial issues, relationships, sex. Things are complicated. Many of our fantasies have to do with escaping the complicated world for a while.
So we may fantasize about adventures with straightforward goals. Because when the pressures of the everyday complicated world are too much, there’s nothing a guy would rather do than team up with a police chief and a grizzled old seaman and hunt down a great white shark that is terrorizing a coastal town.
Simple.
