Damien Galeone

Dear Mr. Trump

I am writing this letter to apply for a position on your Deportation Force, which, I assume, will be promptly put together after your inauguration in January. I have a number of skills and qualifications for a position in this Brute Squad, oh, sorry, Deportation Force. I always get you mixed up with the Princess Bride. You see, you have a lot in common with that movie, only it’s funny on purpose.

The main factors which make me a highly attractive candidate for this Force are that I am an expatriate, a language specialist, and poassess a lot of motivation. I am seriously motivated because I once lived in Mexico cleaning parks and teaching English as part of a good-will gesture between the U.S. and Mexico. I was sixteen at the time and found the Mexican people to be embarrassingly generous and unwaveringly friendly and good-natured. You can imagine how disappointed I was to learn that all those Mexicans grew up to become rapists, criminals, and drug dealers. I realize the error of my ways now, and want to set that straight.

My experience as an expatriate will only help you out. See, the Czech people have adopted me (and about 6,000 other American expats) into their country and culture. Their chosen methods of punishment are bureaucracy and Moravian cheese, but if you can deal with those and speak some Czech, they’ll let you, and even encourage you to stay. Most of us then become constructive and productive members of society. As part of your DP, I plan on contributing to nothing of the sort. No, those illegal immigrants are in trouble because I know where to look for them. It takes an immigrant to think like an immigrant. Thus, as an expat I know where they are hiding.

Where, you ask?

Simple – at work. Your demographic of illegal immigrants will be found hiding and slaving in kitchens or picking grapes in blistering fields or hidden in plain sight on the side of the road selling oranges (or heroin!). They’ll be hiding in toilets and offices for ten hours a day cleaning them for a pittance. Or we can find them hiding outside a Walmart at 5 a.m. praying to get picked for a back-breaking day of labor and then thanking one of their weird foreign deities (there’s one called Hayzoos! Can you believe it?) to be chosen. What a laugh.

The point is, I know how these people think. I mean, when they’re not raping our women, selling drugs to orphans, or peddling gay sex to Republican congressmen, that is. I can help you catch them all.

Despite my strong beliefs that everyone should speak English, I can really help you guys out as a language teacher. This is because I am an expert in figuring out who is a second-language speaker and who is a native speaker. Hint: the second-language speaker is the one who makes lots of mistakes and fucks up his (or her) pronouns…and speaks another language fluently. Additionally, I am an expert in what’s called ‘grading my language,’ which means to write or speak at a lower level so someone with inferior language skills can understand you. Do. You. Understand?

Now, it’s my personal opinion that if they can’t speak any English, then they should get the hell out. It’s the same everywhere! Hahzoos knows that no Czech has ever been patient with me while I worked through their difficult language nor ever embarrassed themselves by eking out a few words of English to communicate with me in Prague. Nope. Not once.

And this linguistic inability really is a kick in the pants, isn’t it? It’s like they’re not even trying! Not only do these people come to rape and pillage, but they don’t even speak English while they do it! I mean, if you are going to murder someone the least you can do is piece together a good catch-phrase in English to send them off with. And we have certainly never had to worry about people not speaking English in America before, seeing as no non-English speakers have been to the country before these times. My Grandfather and Grandmother, for example, came to the U.S. in the early 1900s from miniscule towns in Sicily and southern Italy speaking fluent English. So did all the others from Germany, France, Denmark, Norway, Russia, Poland, China, and Japan, which is no doubt why they became part of the greatest generation and then won the Second World War.

In English.

You want me on the DF Donaldo, trust me. You have Hulk Hogan, Gary Busey, Charlie Sheen, Ted Nugent, and other monuments to human character and reason. And now you want me. Trust me. And I like what you are doing. But why stop at the immigrants? I say take the opportunity to get rid of all those who disagree with you. Gays, liberals, women, Hispanics, black people, brown people, white people, sane people, reasonable people, smart people, academics, those who read, those who don’t, veterans, Jews, or most anyone who has a friend in any of those categories. Who needs em!? These people never did anything or solved any problem that a good Brute Squad, sorry, Deportation Force, hasn’t been able to sort out with a few clubs and a bottle of Jack. There’s a fellow in Turkey enacting a similar cleanse, I say take a leaf from his book and go at them.

I can be most easily reached at DPhopeful@getthehellout.org. Please write to me at your earliest convenience after taking the oath of office. Help me help you make America grate again. Oops…I mean, great again.

Yours sincerely,

Damien Galeone