After the shattering news that President Obama and the CIA are watching the daily drama of our lives through you, people in kitchens across America have been casting suspicious glares at their microwaves from behind the safety of the fridge or crouched behind a crock pot. I, however, am not one of them. While I do look at you differently now, I am fully aware that I owe you, the president, and the CIA a big apology. This is for what you have seen, heard, and not seen.
First of all, this apology is for the sheer quantity of times you have had to see me naked. And not just naked, but naked and eating. I can’t be blamed that a bowl of popcorn complements bath time or a post coital lounge. However, to learn that you were forced to watch, some part of you no doubt bent into a rectus of impotent horror, is unbearably regrettable.
I should also apologize for the singing. My voice has been likened to the unpleasant cacophony of one llama being eaten by another llama, which is why I rarely sing in public. I do, however, hope you enjoyed my Judas Iscariot from Jesus Christ Superstar. I thought it was inspired. While we’re on the subject of singing, you have surely noticed my daily appliance ditties. A head doctor once told me that singing to appliances when I turn them off would help me remember the act of turning them off, thus quelling an obsessive fear that I had forgotten to do so which usually comes later in the day. So you have seen many renditions of my personal hits, such as “I have turned you off, Doctor Oven” or “You are unplugged, Madam Coffee Pot,” but you shan’t hear them anymore. In order to focus more fully on the paranoia by the constant worry that my toaster is watching me scratch my naked butt while I scan the fridge for milk, I have put my OCD on the back burner for now.
The final leg in the milking stool of this apology is for being so dull. Despite the occasional shot of a middle aged naked dude eating a slice of pizza and murdering “Tambourine Man,” you have probably been yearning for a more entertaining subject. For this, I sincerely apologize. I go about my life in a quiet and, until now, drama free manner. I like to watch TV and read. Nothing you signed on to watch for hours on end, so I wish I had provided more entertainment. While I am naked a lot, I don’t typically do activities in the kitchen that are enjoyable to watch naked people do, like masturbate, have sex, or juggle. Had I realized that I was being watched, I would have put on more of a show. Perhaps I’ll invest in some juggling balls and take a class.
Despite the apologetic tone of this letter, I have to say that it stung a bit to learn of your dual purpose. This of course is because you haven’t worked since you blew that fuse six years ago, so while you do work against me, you don’t work for me. Nevertheless, I know you came into this job with so much hope, and I have let you down. I hope, should someone repair and reuse you, that your next owner is a juggling kitchen masturbator with the voice of a golden hen