Your Various Valentines


There are many people in your life who put up with you and your crap a whole lot. And what better way to show your appreciation than by giving them a gift on the day that truly celebrates love? I’m not talking candy and flowers. They only go so far. What people really want is some actual life currency.

Here are some gift ideas for your various Valentines.

Your favorite hypochondriac – an STD. OK, not really. There’s a hotline through which you can anonymously send a message to a person you may have infected with an STD. It informs them that they should get tested. Though it sounds cruel, just think about how relieved that hypochondriac will be after they realize it’s a prank.

Your Boss – coupons for days and periods during which you will perform tasks you are already being paid to perform. I do this every year. Coupons have included thirty-eight minutes of uninterrupted work, a Facebook-free hour of work, a three-hour period during which I will pretend to be the positive driving force of the office. If she redeems two at once, then I won’t steal any office supplies for ten hours. She loves it. I don’t know how I still have a job.

Your Mom – an ultrasound of her uterus with the title “My First Apartment.” Moms get sentimental on Valentine’s Day.

Your Dad – dinner. This isn’t the gift. The gift is that you will have paid the waiter $50 to nonchalantly ask your dad various questions on his favorite topics, to encourage him to explain points more deeply, and to be massively impressed with his knowledge. Some waiter in Langhorne is going to hear a lot about 20th century genocide this weekend.

Your Sibling(s) – Concession. One full on, complete, shameless concession in an argument will make your sibling happy for the rest of their earthly and unearthly lives in this and all dimensions and universes. Or maybe that’s just me.

Your Partner – Twelve hours during which you will not acknowledge a shortcoming or previous failure in judgment on their part. Also, candy. Their favorite, not yours.

Your Lover – a day on which you treat them like your actual partner. This behavior may include rampant and uncensored flatulence in their presence, discussing your bowel movements, throwing tantrums, and no sex.

Your Neighbor – own up to one past neighborly transgression. Last year I told my neighbor that it was in fact I who had accidentally chopped the ear off of their garden gnome downstairs. We all feel better now.

Your Favorite Colleague – Drugs.

Your Least Favorite Colleague – Give them some gossip on your favorite colleague. For example, that you know they have drugs on them.

Your Cat – Access. This year I allowed the B Monster access to any room she wanted. The bathroom, the bedroom, the balcony. As a result, I will never be allowed to sleep ever again. So that was a win.

Yourself – Twenty four hours of only comparing yourself to people less attractive and successful than you are.

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