Damien Galeone

Scenario and Specifications: Student R has been missing since the end of his Wednesday morning English lesson during which he offends every student in the class as well as Teacher X. R is a fat man and insolent in manner. His voice gives off the same effect as a Gilbert Godfrey aria and his dental hygiene leaves much to be desired. He is in class with four female students who are studying for a high-level standardized English exam.

Murder is assumed.

Stage: Classroom **4 at the Gigglesworth *&#^^#it*ity in a small, central (or eastern) European city. Nota Bene: This depends on your view of what constitutes a central or eastern European state in post 1991 Europe. Determining factors: There is a McDonald’s, legal prostitution and no ban on smoking in pubs. David Hasselhoff is not popular here.

Suspects: One teacher and five students, including the infamous R, who owns (at his own admission) a straight razor. The other four students are females ranging in age from 18 to 36. Teacher X is notoriously irritable, a recent Magellan enthusiast, and handsome in a Middle Earth mien. All names have been initialized to protect the innocent and to save my furry hide from retribution. Plus, my memory is bad.

Suspects Interactions with victim and Weapons:

1. L: Ipod

R: “Fat is a compliment!” Eyes her up and down, and adds, “Usually.”

NB: Current discussion topic is Silicon Valley and L gave birth eight months ago.

2. M: Pencil

R: “Dye jobs are for old women.”

M: “Old? I am not old!”

R: How old are you?” (strained violin concerto denoting impending doom)

M: “I will be thirty in ten days.”

R: Nods, “It to here figures.” (sic)

3. Z: Hairpin

R: “Your weak (thinning) hair situaze is what I empathize to.” He rubs his balding dome.

Z: “uh…”

R: “My girlfriend has all the thick hair and spend many long time in bathroom in morning.”

Z: “Can you tell me about global warming?”

R: “I am are the jealous of youz. Maybe youz is single? Haha”

Z: (sprinting from room) “Ugrrgr – unintelligible swearing.”

4. F: Coursebook (heavy)

R: “Where for you did learn English? It is horrible?”

F: “I have been learning English for fifteen years. And you?” (NB: F is fluent and teaches English)

R: “Oh, you will had had bad teacher. Your English is poorly.”

F: “I’m an English teacher and your English is shit.”

R: “Haha.” Pats her arm. “Your students are the slowly ones, I understands.”

5. X (teacher): White Board Markers

R: “You need help with the class. And I can put it.”

X: “Thank you, but no. Tell me about the…”

R: “It OK, you no good, but I can put the help. Haha! Did you motherz give you the shirt with some soup?”

NB: I am wearing my favorite shirt, which my mother in fact give me and with which I did not receive any soup.

X: “Get the (unpublishable) back in your (Nothing happening here) seat, before I (happy squirrels and rabbits) you.”

Summary:

Class ends and R steps out to the bathroom amid his own gaudy laughter and, adding insult to injury, leaves us with a gaseous gift. The rest of us move quickly out of the room and chat about homework and exchange shifty glances. At the lift R reappears just as the lift does and says “Ah yes, well, I shall be the most prettiest person on the lift once ever.”

He is never seen again.

So, who dunnit?