Folkloric Villain Support Group Discusses the Concept of Blame

Big Bad Wolf: Thank you, Wicked Witch of the West, for your thoughts on modern day beauty expectations and our collective role as scapegoat. Agreed that there is something to be said for the physical representations we’ve been put into. I am, after all, a massive wolf. Big eyes, big teeth. You know the deal. I do think it’s best you don’t sit next to Rumpelstiltskin next time. I think his short stature make you a bit squirrelly.

Wicked Witch of the West: Yes, I think so. Thank you.

Rumpelstiltskin: Bitch.

Big Bad Wolf: That’s enough.

Evil Step Mother: I’ll put on another pot of coffee.

Big Bad Wolf: Thank you. Rump, I’m recommending a course of sensitivity training for you.

Rumpelstiltskin: But she started it!

Big Bad Wolf: (Growls)

Rumpelstiltskin: Fine. But she goes too.

Big Bad Wolf: We’ll talk about this later. (lights cigarette). OK, Hideous Old Witch, you’re up. Everyone give her your attention please. We’re talking today about the concept of blame, how it’s affected us all, and perhaps the unfairness of our perception in everyday society.

Hideous Old Witch: Thank you. Hello.

Everyone: Hello, Hideous Old Witch.

Hideous Old Witch: I’ve been having trouble recently.

Ogre: It’s OK. Just tell us what’s happening.

Hideous Old Witch: I mean, what do people think? I’m ugly and I’m old. They didn’t have Instagram when I was in my twenties or you would have seen some serious curves on this bod. I lived a fast life. Sex, mead, men. I knew where to get all the best herbal enhancements in the woods, if you know what I mean. (chuckles throughout the room) Then I get tired of it all. Middle aged anxiety sets in, I feel guilt, want a change of pace. A huge collective case of “the fears” hits me all at once and I feel like shit. What do I do? I move to the middle of the damned woods. Why? Because I don’t want to be bothered, that’s why!

Giant: A-fucken-men. I lived in a world in the clouds and they still found a way to fuck with me. People suck.

Big Bad Wolf: Giant, you’ll be next. Let her go on.

Giant: (shrugs and nods)

Hideous old Witch: So then one day this lady decides she wants to off her kids. I repeat: She wants to off her kids! She! Not me. I had nothing to do with this. I didn’t ask for this crap.

Bridge Dwelling Troll: Right!? They go out of their way to mess with us, then they blame all of their problems on us, don’t they? Don’t they!

Evil Step Mother: Have some coffee.

Big Bad wolf: Bridge Dwelling Troll doesn’t need any more coffee. This is the way of the world. We’ve spoken on this so many times. We are an undefined something in the woods, a representation of the subconscious or conscious fears of people.

Hideous Old Witch: Don’t even get me started on physical beauty and expectations. You think it’s a coincidence that I am a hideous old lady and a villain? Right.

Big Bad Wolf: Why don’t you finish talking about the blame.

Hideous Old Witch: Fine. Look, I lived my life the way I wanted. This meant no kids. I know it’s the social norm, but I just value my alone time too much to have wanted them. I feel like my whole folk tale is an attack on women who commit the crime of deciding not to have kids.

Evil Stepmother: Sing it sister. I’m an evil stepmother, not an evil mother. Just because I fall for a guy who has kids…never mind.

Hideous Old Witch: Look at the arc. This lady has kids. She does everything she’s supposed to do – as deemed by society – and then she doesn’t want them anymore. So what does she do? She walks them out to the woods to get rid of them. Nowadays I guess she would have left them in a shopping cart in a Target parking lot with a note pinned to their shirts. Where’s the blame on her? I mean, I know she dies and stuff. But nobody seems to have a problem with her in this story. I feel let down by the historical failings of law and order.

Rumpelstiltskin: Seriously. Where have the regulated legal communities been? I am more than 4,000 years old. I could have used a constable in 1,503 to explain that I helped the girl out, helped her land a king, and saved her ass, and she cheats on a contract. I don’t think so!

Hideous Old Witch: Anyway, I decide it’s time to settle down and do things for myself. So I made a nice little house in the forest made of cake.

Big Bad Wolf: Awesome.

Hidous Old Witch: I know! It was perfect. Gingerbread paneling, gum drop lanterns, candy cane pillars, cupcake stools. It’s all I ever wanted. I lived in the middle of the woods, didn’t bother anyone, led a quiet life of introspection and meditation. One day a couple of fat kids come to my house and start eating it. Right, so I lock one in a cage to teach him a lesson and keep him away from the crows. And all of a sudden I’m the bad guy. The little girl eats my house – my house – and I ask her to clean up a little bit. Next thing I hear I’m forcing her into slavery. What the hell? How about keeping your shitty kids away from my house?

Big Bad Wolf: I get it. Totally. I enter into a suicide pact with an old woman. She goes first and I get cold feet. Then her granddaughter shows up. It went bad. I’ll never live that down.

Rumpelstiltskin: We all play a bad role in someone’s narrative. We’re demonized because we represent the unknown or modern fears. I don’t know why that lady wanted that goddamned kid anyway. It still looked like Winston Churchill. She could have had another. I was lonely.

Wicked Witch of the West: I understand, Rump. I was outcast in a magical world. It hurts.

Big Bad Wolf: Hideous Old Witch, do you have anything to finish with?

Hideous Old Witch: I just think that it’s not fair that we get blamed for shitty people’s actual behavior. We are true scapegoats.

Big Bad Wolf: I agree. But you’re among friends here and we’re all in the same boat. Why don’t we move on to the Giant and how a breaking and entering led to his downfall.

Giant: Hi….

Everyone: Hi Giant.

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