Damien Galeone

As it’s national candy month, I (like you) have been devoting the last few days to reflecting upon my favorite candy. This is often a private and introspective activity, not unlike sitting in a church and wondering just how you’d ended up there. As I live in Europe, I have to contend with all sorts of American candy bashing, usually under the auspices of ‘it’s too sweet’ which, to me, sounds sort of like ‘gosh I hate fun and enjoyment. Instead of candy, I’d like that bag of nails.’

I thought I’d offer you my list of five favorite candies. I would give you an opportunity to rebut, discuss, or debate, but the fact is that 1. I am right and 2. See number #1. In effect, it is not only a list of my favorite candies, but a list of yours too.

I have

Snickers

Snickers bars are to candy what Babe Ruth and Michael Jordan are to their respective sports. They are often overlooked but only because they’re too good. It’s like leaving God off your dodge-ball team.

Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups

The best day in the history of the Czech Republic was the day they finally woke up to the glories of globalization and welcomed the Reese’s Peanut Butter Cup into their store shelves. It is a perfect cup of taste – half peanut butter, half chocolate, all love. Though there have been a number of variations, crunchy, dark chocolate, nothing is better than the original. It’s like coca cola and probably whiskey. There is, however, a special place in hell for the execs who came up with the white chocolate peanut butter cups).The woman who runs the shop across the street knows me as ‘that guy who buys the Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups on Saturday.  

M&Ms

M&MS came out in 1941 and four short years later fascism was gone and Hitler was dead. Coincidence? No. There is nothing like tilting a bag of perfect, colorful circles with a chocolate center and a crunchy skin into your mouth, knowing that soon you will have eaten a rainbow of chocolaty perfection and have not denigrated the inside of your mouth with a….perish the word, skittle. With all of the shitty things going on in the world today, about the only thing that gives me hope is the fact that 40 million individual M&M’s chocolate candies made every day. Yes, these are in several forms – peanut, crunchy, dark chocolate – and though I am a traditionalist, OG M&M man, in this case I say the more the merrier.

Twizzlers

The only non-chocolate on the list. Created in 1845, this guy has had some competition over the last 180 years and it’s pretty damn impressive that he’s still hanging around with the big boys. First off, if you have to go non-chocolate you might as well have the deeply artificial flavoring of an almost certain carcinogenic. Second, you would choose something that sticks around a while, since the only bad thing about chocolate is that it’s gone in about 14 seconds with nothing but messy fingers and a vague sense of shame/arousal remaining. Third, Twizzlers are like the utility player of the candy world. You can cut off both ends and make it a straw, you can wrap it around your finger and pretend you are royalty. You can also use it as a whip. Twizzlers.

Almond Joy

Milk chocolate, almonds, and shredded coconut? You say no to that and you’re not allergic to one of those things, I’m going to assume you didn’t get vaccinated and that you need a visual chart to the foods in your fridge. There is no way to overstate the orgasmic joy that this taste confluence allows its enjoyer to experience.