Christmas Movie Reviews

Tis the season to watch movies. Christmas movies come in all shapes, sizes, and genres. Here are some to keep your eye on.

The Christmas Mystery

This is about the disappearance of a bell, which, as you might guessed, possesses an inordinate amount of magical Christmas cheer. So much so, that if it remains in its disappeared state, Christmas will be ruined. Friendly, affable, mildly chubby struggling dad-cum-security guard is accused of the heinous crime. Thus it’s up to his children to find the bell and its real thief, thereby saving Christmas. No spoiler alerts, but there were tears at the end and they were accompanied by frenzied holiday bell tolling.

A Harold and Kumar Christmas

When a missent package for Harold arrives at Kumar’s messy house, he is forced to float over to Harold’s house on a cloud of marijuana smoke. They then embark upon a series of wild adventures, involving many drugs, Russian gangsters, Neil Patrick Harris, Claymation monsters, and somewhere along the way they discover the true meaning of Christmas. Very, very highly.


An absent father buys his kid an over-the-top guilt-gift in the form of an ancient cryptid – because that usually works out. Along with the creepy big-eyed cryptid (with Howie Mandel’s voice) he gets vague instructions involving feeding time (time zone, please!) and hygiene requirements (no water!). Things go awry on Christmas Eve and the only two police officers in town literally run away from the monsters. The creepiest part is the stunning lack of human activity on Christmas Eve. I feel it was social commentary on the evaporation of the in-person social structure. Very prescient.


A man comes home early to catch his wife engaging in furry sex with Ron Perlman. Things do not improve from there as he accidentally gets pegged as Bigfoot. The over-the-top character as TV Bigfoot hunter is distressingly spot-on.

Four Christmases

Not much to see here. A happily childless and happily together yet unmarried couple make the mistake of visiting their four different families (two sets of divorced parents). It’s during these visits that the families take it upon themselves to trick this very happy couple into getting married and wanting children. The sequel will no doubt feature the families laughing at their own trickery and then innocently claiming that it was their choice all along. Suckers.

You’ve Got Mail

OK, not strictly a Christmas tale. But part of it takes place during Christmas, there are decorations, and there are two bookstores, so I’m counting it. Pen pals change into something more as they write instant messages on 300-year-old laptops. Our willing suspension of disbelief is stretched to the limit as the man doesn’t once veer into naughty talk, nor does he experiment with an early form of a dick pic. Willing suspension snaps when the man stands her up and the woman doesn’t carve his name into her wrist, stalk him, roofie him, handcuff herself to him, douse them both in gasoline, and set them on fire.


Movie about a tall creepy man who hangs out with elves, dresses in green, and hang around women’s showers. He then finds his dad, who happens to be James Caan. I can’t watch this movie without recalling an argument I once had with a chef at a restaurant where I used to work. He claimed that James Caan was Will Ferrell’s dad in real life. It’s arguments like these and their subsequent murder-suicides that Wikipedia has mercifully brought to an end.

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