Damien Galeone

The next item on my list reads Forrest Gump Runs. I enter it into YouTube and, dissatisfied with the results, enter a few variations—Forrest runs, run Forrest run, and Forrest and Bubba, Forrest Bubba run jungle Vietnam. The last variation produces the clip that I desire. I click it, sit back and sip on my water-glass full of Gambrinus. When Forrest storms through that jungle with Bubba in his arms, well there isn’t a dry eye in the room.

Thankfully I am alone, the cat having already left in disgust.

We have now entered the Sadness stage of our viewing selection.

I blame work. See, on a typical weekend night I am content with meeting the guys for a few beers, going home at a somewhat reasonable hour, cooking something fried and reading or watching TV until the sleep fairy takes me into a land where Hobbits are considered attractive and fruit tastes like ham. Some Saturdays, however, I have to work. And when I do, I feel robbed of my weekend. For this reason, I lash out. I don’t lash out at friends or other people in the pub; I lash out at my psyche by sending it through an emotional obstacle course.

I am convinced that this is why YouTube exists – to be a punching bag for my drunken emotions.

So, when leaving the pub I buy a fresh liter of pivo sebou (beer to go) and create a mental play list as I work my way up the hill to my flat. When I get home I write out the list and pour a beer. I find that the emotions these videos represent are in the same order in which these emotions appear after a few bolts of alcohol – happiness, inspiration, aggression, nostalgia, sadness and horniness.

Happiness: This emotion is represented on YouTube by comedians, and it is by far the most enjoyable viewing portion of the evening. It is also the shortest portion of the evening. This is the saddest aspect of the happiness section.

Inspiration: This one usually involves film adaptations of Shakespeare or sports clips (real sports, not s*ccer). Tonight it’s a clip of Henry V giving the Saint Crispin’s Day speech. By the end of the speech I am ready to attack France with a butter knife. I settle for a piece of camembert from the fridge.

Aggression: I don’t seem to exhibit too much aggression when drinking, but I do become fascinated by World War II during this emotional section. I find that a good scene from a classic war movie will often sate my needs. Sometimes it involves a member of Easy Company doing something that I would never do in a trillion years. Some non-World War II examples include Clint Eastwood shooting people in The Unforgiven or, in rarer cases, Rocky.

Tonight’s clip is Lieutenant Speirs running across the field to Foy and connecting with I Company. If you understand what any of this means, I love you.

Nostalgia: This category is the largest one, and I usually get stuck in it for an hour or so. Highlights of this category include clips from 80s movies like The Breakfast Club or Ghostbusters. It sometimes detours into Saturday morning cartoons like The Smurfs, Muppet Babies or anything you can think of that is manlier than the first two. This almost always ends up with 80s or 90s TV shows. Tonight’s schedule is Ferris Bueller’s Day Off, Cheers (3x), The Transformers (cartoon, not the unfortunate thing Michael Bay ‘directed’), and Family Ties. There may or may not have been a Golden Girls episode, but my manhood is already in question so it will not be discussed.

Sadness: Let’s get something straight, the sadness selections occur latest in the evening/morning when my emotional G-Spots have all been thoroughly flogged. This means that my emotional immunity is down and makes me less resistant to, well, acting like a little girl. After Forrest has his lake-side chat with Bubba, the selections degrade with…flamboyant fervor.

There are musicals, Johnny Cash videos, sad movie clips and sad songs that I can only listen to with headphones on lest my neighbors offer me well-needed testicle transplant. Once Robert Kennedy’s eulogy makes its appearance, all hope is lost for me. And once I realize this, I allow myself to slip into the grimy, yet comforting hands of alcohol-induced video disgrace.

Horniness: There are other websites for the satisfaction of this emotion. If you don’t know any, type the letter P into any search engine and you will be rewarded.

My defense, the only one I have, is that most of these disgraces are private. I am not fighting people in pubs, I am not the crying drunk and I am not stumbling up to a jukebox and screeching a Janis Joplin tune into a High Life bottle.

Besides, if you can watch Forrest Gump without crying or watch Lt. Speirs run across that field without a lump in your throat, go get a bottle of your favorite wine coolers and write out a YouTube list. You’ll be happy that you did. Well, happy at first, anyway…