5 Reasons My Pants Don’t Fit Right Now

Cardiac to go!I believe it was somewhere in Colorado when Collin and I became aware that our road trip had become focused on food. We didn’t do many tours in Wisconsin, just visited restaurants. The world-famous sights of South Dakota became interludes between places to eat steak and creamy desserts. And Kansas City was on the itinerary for one reason.

Fast forward and I am sitting at this desk sweating under the strain of my oppressive belt and stubborn pant-waist. I run twelve miles a week, I snack on fruit and eat salads and I walk probably about fifteen miles a week. So why are my pants tight? As it can’t possibly be my fault, below are the five reasons directly related to my summer trip.

Anyway, that’s my story and I’m sticking to it.

5. Chicago Pizza

So advocating a pizza preference in the United States is sort of like embroiling yourself in an East Coast – West Coast gang war. Only there are usually fewer shootings, better fashion and not so many goofy lyrics.

The perennial pizza argument: Chicago or New York style? Before you add a third, I join all Americans in stating that there are no other alternatives and if you really insist, then we don’t care.

For those unfortunates who don’t understand pizza, New York style typically has thin hand-tossed crust and a smooth tomato sauce base. Oh yes, and has the taste/joy equivalent of the time you learned how to masturbate. Chicago style has thick crust and tomato chunks and has the taste/joy equivalent of the time you learned how to masturbate.

This argument will never be settled and my compliments for Chicago style has garnered complaints and grumbles from my east coast constituents.

But I refuse to politicize pizza!

4. Wisconsin

As a red-blooded American not from Wisconsin, I of course was raised to enjoy mocking and deriding the Dairy State. Most Americans know that Wisconsin is the home of cheese and milk, but it’s usually considered a cute state with people who speak like Paul Ryan looks.

We are wrong.

The folks of Wisconsin not only make cheese and milk, they have perfected the art of becoming fat and happy. Aside from a berry smoothie that my friend’s mother made for me one morning, I did not put one healthy thing in my body. There are cheese curds both fried and raw, fried fish, cheese spread (just in case you were looking for a way to make pretzels unhealthier) and a variety of sandwiches that strip away years of your life. This is not to mention lard-infused hamburgers and whole milk so rich that it makes our whole milk seem like urine.

On second thought, there’s a chance that smoothie was made with bacon and cheddar cheese. No urine.

3. American Beer

I know, I know. Having lived the last eight years in Prague, I have had my fill of hearing “American beer sucks.” And surely I do happily exist in the land of beer and Hermelín. But here’s the thing: American beer is no longer the world’s yeasty kicking boy. There are over 1,700 breweries in the U.S. and a lot of them make some damn good beer. What’s more, they make different kinds of beer and while I would kick a dog I like for a Czech beer, most Czech beers are exactly the same.

I believe in the seven weeks I was in the U.S. I drank a little over three beers. These were anything from the Yards ESA to Leinenkugel’s Sunset Wheat to Boulevard Saisons. Not to mention the God of all beers – Miller High Life. These beers have gathered above, around and over my belt in a temporary sit-in rebelling against my recent abstinence in lieu of studying for my state exams.

Don’t worry boys, the test is tomorrow and you shan’t be alone long.

2. The Jews

Before someone freaks out about this caption, let me explain. The Jews have been blamed for just about every mishap in history, whether it’s the Bubonic Plague, a plague of locusts (seeing a theme here…) or Woody Allen.

But that’s not what I’m getting at.

The only thing I will ever blame on the Jews is my vast weight gain at the hands of their delicious cured meats and delicacies. If you have never been to a Jewish deli then you either caught the unfortunate vegetarian flu or you live in the Czech Republic. Either way, you don’t know what you’re missing.

There is nothing about a Jewish Deli that doesn’t make my mouth water. There are potato latkes, bagels, lox, pastrami, corned beef, Jewish rye bread and dill pickles. I fantasize about bastardizing the Japanese custom of Nyotaimori, eating sushi off of a naked girl’s body, to satisfy my Semitic hunger pangs. Instead of sushi I would eat pastrami with hot mustard, bagels with cream cheese and Nathan’s hot dogs.

Don’t ask where she’d keep them.

1. Kansas City Barbecue

People generally ignore Kansas, and for good reason. It is scientifically proven to be flatter than a pancake, they have had more tornadoes than any state other than Texas and they have recently been used in a statistic relating them to Texas. No good.

However, the good folks in Kansas City have taken advantage of this out of sight, out of mind policy to create the best barbecue in the United States. You know when you met that special someone and after a while you couldn’t imagine your life without them? Yeah, this is the relationship I have with ribs.

Kansas City takes its barbecue very seriously. They have over 100 well-known barbecue joints, the Kansas City Barbecue Society and the Kansas City Rib Off. They have cultivated a world-wide reputation and respect for their barbecue and this is a deserved respect. In the 28 hours we spent in Kansas City we ate barbecue two times. These meals included ribs 2x, burnt-end chili, baked beans, Cole slaw, brisket and sausage. We waddled out of Oklahoma Joe’s and The Woodhouse with grins on our sauce-covered faces.

Would you expect anything else from the home of Jazz?

Over to you

Why don’t your pants (trousers) fit?

  1. #1 by Gabrielle on September 10, 2012 - 2:42 pm

    I had a baby this summer. It’s his fault.

  2. #2 by Andy on September 10, 2012 - 5:41 pm

    I both laughed and furrowed my brow at today’s posting; you had me with beer and lost me with BBQ (which, incidentally, may be a country music title).

  3. #3 by PJ on September 10, 2012 - 6:15 pm

    My wife is having a baby and I am legally obligated to snack whenever she snacks. Also, a man I love very much smuggled one of the above-mentioned ethnic, cured meats into the country for me and I immediately gave it a nice home in my colon. Lastly, I participated in making both pickles and marmalade this year and I’ve taken advantage of indulging in both.
    …. and now I need ribs. Thanks

  4. #4 by Collin's Brother on September 16, 2012 - 12:03 am

    after all I find pastrami to be the most sensual of all the salted cured meats…

    • #5 by Damien Galeone on September 16, 2012 - 12:01 pm

      HAHA! I don’t know, there’s nothing like cuddling with a bag of corned beef.

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