Damien Galeone

Tis the holiday season, and this means many things: Family, alcohol, work parties, alcohol, gift giving and receiving, eating and some other crap about generosity, peace among humanity and stuff. Here are the five (real) main aspects of the holiday season as I see it.

Christmas Specials

That’s right, Christmas. Since I do not recall ever having seen a Hanukkah special and Kwanza is generally left out of the holiday special rounds. Granted, I have lived in the Czech Republic for the last 342 (8) years, so chances are good that things have changed due to political correctness. That said, I am moving into grumpy curmudgeonry so I am sticking with what I know and that is Christmas. Christmas specials hit every holiday G spot: family, generosity, sharing, peace, blah blah. But we all know the most important part is watching children’s TV specials in search of hidden adult themes. Get a little stoned and try to find the morphine addict in Charlie Brown Christmas or the homosexual love affair in The Grinch.

Shopping

I don’t care who you are or what you celebrate, you have spent time walking through the stores and malls this season, mentally strangling people who cut in front of you in line and somehow suffering through the bedlam that we call holiday shopping. The sweaty mall, the desperate need for an item you didn’t know existed three minutes before, the lines so long they should be outside the Vatican. Oh yes, Merry Christmas! But hey, what’s the holiday season without wishing those around you were dying a terrible and painful death just for your amusement? Fra la la la la la la la la!

Eating

First, don’t be a hero and go for the salad table; you are going to put on fifteen pounds. If you are like me, then you don’t mind that as much as when someone suggests hitting said salad table instead of the thirteen holiday cheese rolls you’ve piled onto your plates. Tis the season to load up on carbohydrates, sweets, colon blockers and foods that compound with -puff. It’s the only time of the year it’s acceptable to eat like, well, me, so enjoy!

Holiday Work Parties

Let’s get this straight: you’re going to drink too much in front of your boss. You are going to put on a funny hat, you’re going to tell an inappropriate story about work and you are going to either kiss his/her ass or tell him/her exactly what you think of him/her. Like perhaps about their too frequent use of “I.E,” in conversation or “Him/Her.” On the bright side, they will be drunk too and you might be able to retain your job after the holiday if you don’t accidentally kiss his wife. Or son.

Family

Ah yes, the Yin and Yang of any family get-together: “Get the f*ck away from me before I stick that turkey baster in your ass sideways. Love you, Aunt Sally, Merry Christmas!” Look, before you go feeling sorry for yourself, we all have to deal with it. On the bright side, those who don’t have families can never fully enjoy being alone.

No matter what you celebrate, have a merry one! For soon it’s January, my friends, and there will be nobody to blame for your rage, no festivity to lay your overeating upon, and no work parties to account for your rampant, borderline drinking. So, eat, drink and be merry!