Damien Galeone

December 26th

We all know the feeling. The previous month (and a half) has brought us from a festive atmosphere of holiday cheer and expectation. Then we rise in an arcing crescendo of holiday anticipation, shopping, music and parties before climaxing in a day of glee, fatty meats and gift wrapping. And then, it’s over. It’s December 26th. That anticipation is gone, and what lies ahead is only work, two plus months of dismal weather and no more holidays.

Some people claim that it doesn’t bother them. They are lying. Here are some ways to deal with the Christmas Crash.

Denial

One way to deal with the post-holiday doldrums is to just don’t. Do everything you can to pretend that the holidays are not over. Have holiday parties, wear ugly colorful sweaters, listen to Christmas music and hand out gifts. Have a Christmas dinner once a week, just for fun. If nobody wants to come, invite cats. Sure, things might be said about you: you’re crazy, delusional and covered in fur, but once you start handing out gifts again, they’ll stop. Plus, insane asylums usually mean good meds and lots of interesting superheroes to meet.

Hibernate

Go to sleep. That’s right, let’s follow the lead of bears and squirrels, our, admittedly evolutionarily distant, friends. Our ursine and sciurine brethren have a wonderful coping method for winter: they load up on heavy foods, find a warm hole and then sleep right through the long winter months.

Hm, if they wear stupid sweaters and watch sitcoms, then maybe we’re closer on the evolutionary tree than we thought.

Party

Have a party for everything. Think that Christmas is the last reason to celebrate all winter? You are wrong, January and February are wrought with reasons to partaaaay. Here are just a few:

January 14 – The Simpsons premiers, 1990.

January 16 – National Nothing Day, a day where you can celebrate not having to celebrate anything.

January 19 – The front-hook bra is invented, 1951.

February 1 – Fred Flintstone’s birthday, 2 million B.C.

February 25 – Milli Vanilli wins a Grammy for “Best New Artist,” 1990. Tell me that’s not a great excuse for an ‘Oops party.’

Sexual Healing

You’re stuck inside. You have a bed, floor, kitchen table, or strong chair. You have a significant other (or $137.12). So be like Nike and Just Do It. Sex does everything nice weather can do for you and more. It releases endorphins, reduces stress and blood pressure. Furthermore, sex is known as a ‘mood repair strategy,’ meaning it is a recommended technique to help shift someone’s mood from general sadness or clinical depression to a state of greater contentment or happiness.

Besides, sex often results in having a partner for Trivial Pursuit, someone with whom to see movies and eat lunch and a person to trick into giving you back massages. People have long figured that since there was nothing else to do, they might as well enjoy inside activities.

Why do you think there are so many September and October birthdays? (I am October 11th. Ewww)

Get Smarter or Get Fitter

When all the above fail, you might want to just suck it up and do something to improve yourself. Set yourself a reading list, decide to learn everything you can about a certain global issue or sign up for a gym membership, and then actually go. I know, I know, who the hell wants to do something to improve themselves, right?

But here’s the thing, these things could work out for you. If you start working out now, you’ll look like less of a fat, pale troll monster in April when everyone else starts working out. Reading and learning can make you more attractive to a potential sexual mate and thus make sexual healing more possible.

Over to you

Any ideas on how to beat the winter gloom? Please help, I don’t want to get smarter or fitter and I lost my ugly sweater!