Dear Technology, Back the F*ck off…

Police Dog, Tess, 29/1/35 / by Sam HoodI am enjoying a Sunday evening, lounging with a zombie show and a bowl of popcorn, when my phone suddenly begins emitting a series of metallic rings. That means notification. Lots of notifications. I am now excited, for a hovel dwelling, cat owning troglodyte, lots of notifications means not only someone, but some people, are requesting the pleasure of my…well, at least attention.

The first notification shows an icon of a little man in mid-stride; an icon I am unfamiliar with. It’s the running application I downloaded last week reminding me that I haven’t scheduled a run yet.

I am being scolded.

I sit back on the couch and shout across the room to my phone, “For your information, I ran 14.2 miles last week, you pushy little dick.”

Sometimes I think technology’s overall goal is to make me feel guilty. Being scolded by humans is difficult enough, but being scolded by a computer is just too much.

So I sit down and I write this email to technology.

Dear Technology,

I have a bone to pick with you; you’re getting a little too pushy.

Let’s start with the positives. It’s true that you know best when to update my programs and which websites to avoid, and on those scores I love having you in my life. I also love having you around for your ability to find the exact porn I want, the ability to tell me when the transport comes and the ability to translate phrases I need at the post office and supermarket.

But here’s the thing: back the fuck off. It’s bad enough that you make me accessible to my boss at all hours of the day and night, but do you really need to let them know I have ‘seen’ their email? Avoidance is my fallback position, and you are making that more difficult. I mean, whose side are you on, technology?

Let’s just set out some ground rules. I don’t need you to tell me when I should run, or how many calories I have burned when I have just done so. I don’t need you to suggest more people I should involve in an email, and I don’t need you to tell me how long it’s been since I visited a website.

Stop suggesting people I might know on Facebook, because for the most part I don’t know them and the ones I do know, I don’t like. There is a reason I am not Facebook friends with them to begin with, have you ever thought of that, technology? And while we are on the subject of Facebook, I have one big complaint. When I wish someone happy birthday, don’t tell me to send them a fucking present. Got it? If I wanted to send this person a gift it would be a shot of some sort of liquor, not a God damn Frappuccino from Starbucks or a giftcard to the Olive Garden. I am their Facebook friend, not their grandmother.

And if you send that ovulation software (Womanlog) to my, uh, friend, one more time, we are done for good. OK?

Anyway, I hope we can still be friends and I hope that you continue to translate stuff, deliver me lesbian prison porn, and tell me when the trams run. I just thought we should clear the air.

Sincerely yours,

Gary Coleman

PS: The other three notifications on my phone inform me about software I should download.


How does technology get too pushy with you?

  1. #1 by Tiffany N. York on July 1, 2013 - 6:24 pm

    Yeesh, I just got an iPhone after upgrading from a basic and I’m still learning how to use it. I’m not as tapped into technology as most people are, simply because I spend all day on a computer so all my info is accessible right away. However, if I worked all day away from home without ever being able to check my personal email I think it would be invaluable. Nothing like finding out sooner rather than later which publisher rejected your ms. Or which authors are doing so much better than you.

    The appeal of this phone that seems to be able to do everything except cook me dinner and give me an orgasm (although I’m sure I could be creative enough to remedy that) was:

    1. I was tired of everyone making fun of me for being a dinosaur and refusing to embrace technology.

    2. I was esp. tired of getting lost every time I drove into Los Angeles with my only recourse being to pull to the side of the road and cry in angry frustration. (I have a particularly crappy sense of direction.)

    So…peer pressure and MapQuest. Yup, that’s pretty much why I got the damn thing. I’m not silly enough to download apps that tell me when I need to work out because I’d end up throwing my phone across the room. Although BRAVO to you for running 14 miles! That’s nuts!

    Check in with me after I’ve had my phone for a month and we’ll see how sucked in I’ve become.

    • #2 by Damien Galeone on July 1, 2013 - 11:02 pm

      First of all, I think soon you will be finding out which publishers are feuding over your work. Second, I totally understand your frustration as I am a fellow Luddite, thrown into the mix by stupid stupid technology. And on the bright side, the next time you get lost going to LA you can just pull over and creatively find an orgasm. And then text me the details. 🙂

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