Why is Everyone Trying to Make Me Cry?

WretchedIt’s morning and I’m crying.

This is odd for a couple of reasons. In the first place, morning usually isn’t conducive to exhibiting a range of emotions. Morning is a time reserved for a mixture of depression and confusion that I imagine will only get worse as my age stampedes forward.

My tears are also odd because I’m on Facebook. The emotions I usually exhibit on Facebook are annoyance – people really need to figure out what constitutes a fucking meme, laughter – I don’t care what you say, cats make me laugh, and disgust – great, he’s procreated. Now if he could only differentiate your from you’re.

Since confusion is my controlling feeling, I can’t remember why I started crying in the first place. I go back through my news feed to see what the offending piece was. I find it instantly in a friend’s status update, which is a comment and a video.

Status: Watch this and you’ll be crying in 2 minutes.

Title of the video: Watch Teenage Football Players Do Something Very Unexpected.

I watch it again. And sure enough, by the time the video introduces the loveable protagonist, I am choking back manly tears.

But it doesn’t stop there.

I scroll down through my news feed and almost immediately stumble upon another status with the word ‘cry’ in it.

Status: Crying!

Title of video: Watch this soldier surprise his daughter by coming home from war.

Oh, come on! What am I, made of stone? Personally, I would describe my crying as masculine and dignified. If the B Monster could talk, however, she might use words like “wailing” and “hysterical” or phrases like “crumple into a mess of pajamas and sobs.”

But she can’t, because she’s a cat.

Then it dawns on me – why does everyone want me to cry? Is there some global conspiracy to drain people of their tears?

I do some research YouTube. I enter the word Videos into a search engine and YouTube finishes the phrase for me: that will make you cry

Aha! Case for conspiracy building.

The whole page is covered in the word ‘cry.’

Warning: This Video will make you cry. Well, then, why am I going to watch it?

A sad love story: A true and tragic love story that will make you cry. Oh goodie, because I need a tragic love story to add to my creeping seasonal depression.

Inspirational: try to watch without crying. 90% of people cry. And who the fuck polled that?

If you need a good cry, watch this video. So this is what we’ve become – a society of people who “need a good cry?”

Oy vey.

Trust me people, if I “need a good cry” I am covered.

If I want to do an inside, quiet, soul-crushing cry, I can look at my bank statement. I can do the laughing cry of bitter regret by looking at what my high school classmates have achieved. If I want an inspirational cry, I can watch Mr. Holland’s Opus. If I want to cry at a group of people taking a sardonic look at their desperately negative and bleak life, I can watch almost any Czech film.

Or to do all of these at one time, I can always take off my shirt and look in the mirror.

So, please, stop giving me more reasons to cry.

Have you noticed this alarming trend?

  1. #1 by PJ on November 10, 2013 - 9:12 pm

    I have noticed that everyone wants me to cry. I’ve also noticed that a lot of people on FB are bullies. I can’t even count how many status updates/inspirational videos have started with the phrase “I bet most of you won’t share this” or “If you don’t share this (insert some threat like bad karma)”. If you want to dare me to do something, at least make it interesting.

  2. #2 by Hokey Pokey Trainer on November 11, 2013 - 4:05 pm

    Yes, it’s because aliens are milking us for our emotions.

    The last thing that made me cry a few days ago were the lyrics of this song. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wzPhRz_V8o4

  3. #3 by Meghan on November 11, 2013 - 4:16 pm

    PJ, they’re passive aggressive unoriginal bullies, too. All those people with “most of you won’t share this” statuses have just blindly copied and pasted these statuses. They have no idea if their status is even remotely true. And, sharing something on Facebook is like the lowest form of caring or social activism. It’s like the lazy person’s lame ass attempt to say I care about cancer, or kittens, or police officers or …

  4. #4 by Julia on November 11, 2013 - 4:25 pm

    PJ and Meghan, I agree about the passive aggressive bullies, they absolutely tick me off. I like to mention to them that ’emotional manipulation is never an attractive quality.’ I also really dislike it when people are throwing themselves pity parties all over facebook.

  5. #5 by Amber Lite on November 11, 2013 - 4:38 pm

    Puddle of pajamas and sobs. Love it.

  6. #6 by Kelly on November 13, 2013 - 5:12 am

    I have a stupid hair trigger response to Sarah McLachlan now ever since that stupid save the animals commercial. Oh and I always challenge myself with Facebook leads thinking initially “OK, what did this pussy link to that made them cry so easily?” and then there I am with tears STREAMING down my face like thirty seconds later. Pretty much anything off that faithit.com. I hate faithit.com

    • #7 by Damien Galeone on November 14, 2013 - 10:04 am

      Thanks K. Faithit.com is just what I needed in the grayest fucking November in Prague’s history, which – by the way – is fucking saying something!

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