The Impossible Dream

546 Dark ForestScenario

I spend Monday evening eating pizza and engaging in a delightful chat session – read: gossiping – with colleagues. I drink four dark beers and eat a meat-laden pizza that sends shivers down my GP’s spine. As usual, work is our most discussed and debated theme. By the time I get home it must be deeply implanted into my unconscious for later perusal on my mental YouTube.

And, what’s a man to do at 11:32 pm on a Monday night when he’s brushed his teeth, jammied up, and is drowsy with four dark beers and a pizza running around his digestive tract? Yes, he watches The Walking Dead.

Analysis: Ingredients taken separately = benign. Ingredients aggregated = disaster.

The Dream

Let’s be honest – your dreams are fascinating, other people’s dreams are like looking through 1,293 pictures of their baby in a photo album. Yes, the hat is so fucking cute. Kill me. So reading about someone else’s dreams must be akin to a blow-by-blow account of their work day or a detailed description of how they brush their teeth.

With that in mind, I’ll keep this brief and to the facts.

In the dream, I am finding myself in various unusual locales: on top of giant buildings, at a planetarium, in a TJ Maxx, and in a botanical garden. The only thing these places have in common is that they are crawling with zombies. My companions – none of whom I recognize – are being eaten and attacked and I am soon alone.

Naturally, that situation found me at a prep school teaching math. A vague array of pictures follow, including checkered uniforms, pizza, and Britney Spears. Everything culminates when I shout at a student and kick her out of class (not Britney). This, of course, is filmed by another student on her video camera and spread around YouTube until I was called into the dean’s office and fired. The dean is played by that buff bald dude on True Blood. The one who got killed by that old guy. Anyway, I wake up in a cold sweat.

Analysis (all analyses compliments of

Zombies: A dream about being attacked by a zombie suggests that you are feeling overwhelmed and under tremendous strain in waking life. I have stress, like anyone else. I guess my question is: how fucking stressful is your waking life that your dream world involves getting eaten by zombies?

Planetarium and TJ Maxx: Nothing specific on these places – and they call themselves dream interpreters!? Buildings, however, represent the self and body. So, evidently, zombies spent the evening chasing me through my own body.

Garden: A flower garden represents tranquility, comfort, and domestic bliss. But there are zombies in my blissful garden. Zombies are now ruining my body and self and fucking up my domestic bliss? Jerks. Side note: Zombies in the Garden is the new name of my hypothetical banjo metal band.

Getting Fired: “Dreaming about losing your job means instability in your waking life.” Well, no shit. In the dream, getting fired was more terrifying than the prospect of getting eaten by the undead. I think I need to chill out.

Overall Analysis: I had heartburn.

  1. #1 by Amber Lite on November 7, 2013 - 4:39 pm

    Zombies in the garden is an awesome band name. Clearly you need to quit your job and start it up! 🙂

  2. #3 by Tiffany N. York on November 7, 2013 - 5:34 pm

    You had me at TJ Maxx (being the shameful shopping slut that I am).

    • #4 by Damien Galeone on November 7, 2013 - 11:19 pm

      I’ve heard lots of adjectives to slut, this one seems the least fun!

  3. #5 by Andy on November 8, 2013 - 7:08 pm

    Wow, I’m glad I’m not the only one guilty of visiting lately. I won’t bore you with the details, but I recently looked up scarabs, blue werewolves, and a stupidly expensive boat I saw on Top Gear a few years ago. If TJ Maxx makes an appearance, you’ll be getting and angry phone call.

(will not be published)