You Better Watch out, Čert is Coming to Town


Vintage Krampus ScrapIt’s Thursday night, December 5th, and the girls in my late lesson are summarizing St. Mikuláš’ Day, which is tomorrow. So, on the night before, St. Mikuláš walks around and interrogates children as to whether they have been good or bad. If they have been good, then one of Mikuláš’ assistants – an angel – treats them with sweets, nuts, or potatoes.

The bad ones get a scolding and some coal from Mikuláš.

The really bad ones get Čert.

Čert is the Slavic demon who acts as Mikuláš other assistant on his December 5th rounds. If kids are really bad, he kidnaps them and brings them back to his lair in Hell. He carries a whip or a switch and gets fed booze throughout the night. So that makes him more pleasant.

Čert is a big, hairy beast with horns and a disturbingly long tongue; imagine Jean Simmons on steroids and hormone pills. Though he is Slavic, he has a counterpart in many cultures. For example, Krampus joins St. Nicholas on his rounds in cuddly Germany.

There are variations on Čert (or Krampus). In more remote villages, he is sometimes joined by his colleague, an antlered wild man. Sometimes he steals big-breasted ladies. Sometimes he has one human foot and one cloven hoof. Sometimes he is cuter and less threatening. Sometimes he wakes up in my bed and shouts epithets at his cat when he’s really tired.

After class, B, aka: the Slovak, and I go to the Christmas Markets in Old Town Square. The tree is magnificent and swaying in the high winds. There are huts selling everything from nuts and various goodies to decorations, candles, and jewelry. People are singing and drinking and warming up with hot Meade and mulled wine. The atmosphere is perfect for a holiday celebration.

Čert is everywhere. He’s walking around with the angel and Mikuláš. He’s snapping a whip at some kids here, he’s stalking the base of the tree there. He’s roaming in between the huts selling pork knees and trdelník (a cinnamon pastry I’d set your hair on fire for an unlimited supply of). While most people enjoy seeing him, he does seem to instill fear into others. Kids stare at him as though he’s the boogeyman, which I guess he sort of is. And I realize that avoiding being dragged to Hell by a monster is pretty good reason to be good all year. Then I notice that I steer a bit clear of him, despite the fact that I have been very good and deserve my potatoes.

Mikuláš Day is one of my favorite Czech festivals. It’s a fascinating and unusual tradition. Moreover, it’s fresh air after a lifetime of humdrum holiday traditions such as eating your aunt’s Bundt cake, sitting on Santa’s lap, and weathering Santa’s anger when you accidentally pee. This day brings from the Czechs a genuine sense of holiday excitement and enjoyment.

And of course we all know that nothing rings in the holiday season like the prospect of children getting dragged to Hell. When I started that sentence, it was ironic. But now, thinking of my morning class, I think I might wear my Čert outfit.

I don’t have enough potatoes for everyone.

  1. #1 by Simon Henton on December 9, 2013 - 10:13 am

    What a great country! Amongst other things every Easter the men are encouraged to whip and beat the women with sticks, and every December small children are traumatised for life by the thought of being stuffed in sack and taken to hell by a devil.

  2. #2 by Andy on December 10, 2013 - 4:36 pm

    “There are variations on Čert (or Krampus). In more remote villages, he is sometimes joined by his colleague, an antlered wild man. Sometimes he steals big-breasted ladies. Sometimes he has one human foot and one cloven hoof. Sometimes he is cuter and less threatening.”

    Dame! Don’t reveal my secret identity!

(will not be published)