As I sat down a couple of hours ago to write my blog, I realized that I was a bit gloomy. I glanced at the list of blog ideas I had jotted down. How to strangle your neighbor’s dog, 5 Writer Suicides, and Stories about dying kittens.
It was clear: I was depressed.
And is it any wonder? It is a Sunday night in February. Sunday. February. I was sitting down to write a depressing blog on the most depressing day of the week in the most depressing month. The odds were stacked against me.
But I persevered.
Instead of writing about things that will make you want to shoot yourself, I ultimately decided to write about seven great reasons in February to shake your booty and give you an excuse to drink frosty drinks. Here are seven reasons that make February party worthy.
National Hangover Awareness Day (February 7th). Yes, that’s right. There is a day dedicated to you and Hunter Thompson. On this day, hungover people get to stay home and read in bed while their friends somehow restrain themselves from sending the lurid details of the previous night’s shenanigans. And since February 6th is the anniversary of Ronald Regan’s birthday, you know it would have been a wild one.
Since this day has already passed, I think it only fair that you choose a day in February to celebrate NHAD Eve and then take the next day off. Just makes sense to me.
Edison Day (February 11th). I say you celebrate this day by turning on all the light’s in your house in a haphazard careless manner. Then, pretend you are your father and storm through the house in anger shutting off lights and yelling about waste. Ah, nostalgia.
Valentine’s Day (February 14th). Why, you ask? I’ll tell you. If you are in a relationship, this day gives you the opportunity to drop a load of cash on someone you are already sleeping with. If you are the date, then you get spoiled for the evening while trying to conjure ideas for special sex acts. If you are single this day allows you to bitch incessantly and then drunkenly celebrate an alternative (Anti-Valentine’s Day parties, couples being slaughtered movie night, drinking alone). If you are cheap, recently dumped, or bitter, you can tell everyone with ears how commercial Valentine’s Day is and how much you don’t care about it. It really has something for everybody.
The Day after Valentine’s Day (February 15th). This is the day Valentine’s Day chocolate goes on sale. Don’t pretend this doesn’t excite you.
Mule Day (February 16th). I assume this is for any kind of mule: Appaloosa, plow, drug. A celebration of this kind might involve a pub crawl in which one of your group is carried by the others to the next pub. Or perhaps someone hides cocaine in their rectum. You could be really creative with this day. Just don’t go to the airport.
Northern Hemisphere Hoodie-Hoo Day (February 20th). On this day citizens walk outside at noon, wave their hands over their heads and shout “Hoodie-Hoo” in order to chase away the winter blahs. I will do this. And the looks of terror I get from my neighbors will be the payoff. Also, I’ll be naked.
February miscellanea. Still depressed? Here are a few reasons to crack a smile. You are not Woody Allen. The Walking Dead is coming back from its break. You were not raised by Woody Allen. You are not the Russian man responsible for the Olympic ring malfunction who is watching his family get live autopsies right now. You are not the Mayor of Toronto. You did not sell Philip Seymour Hoffman drugs last week.
And if you are Woody Allen or the Mayor of Toronto, well, just scream Hoodie-hoo on February 20th. It’ll make you feel better.
