At Your Service

berlusconi jokerValentine’s Day can be tough on people, no matter who you are. You can be under immense pressure to plan something romantic, under immense pressure to put out after something romantic, or sad about being in neither of those positions. You could be dreading the looks of the shop assistant who hands you a bucket of brownies and a bottle of bourbon. Or you might just not give a flying frick.

Why is it so tough? Well, because this is the god of all non-holidays. Valentine’s Day is like a day ostensibly conjured up for lovers, but really just serves to make people uncomfortable and unhappy.

As a man for others, I am offering several services this Valentine’s Day. These services are unisex offers.

Good conversation. Yes, this means that I will come to your house and have any conversation you want. The theme can be Valentine’s Day – Such a stupid “holiday!” It can blindly supportive of your singleness – Someone will come knocking at your door one day.

Hell, we can even just watch romantic comedies and there’s a solid chance I won’t even let you see me roll my eyes once. Any film with Sandra Bullock is twice the charge and I provide my own brownies. My own.

Valentine’s Henchman. This means I will dump someone for you. Dumping someone on Valentine’s Day? Wow, not even Louis VIII would have done that. To even consider doing something this cruel is against the Geneva Convention. And there’s a good chance you’ll get kicked, punched, or bitten, and maybe worse if you’re a guy.

But, and here’s the thing, I. Don’t. Care.

I will break up with your partner any way you’d like. I will let them down easy, bring them to a strip club, or show up with candy. I will dress up as a Viking and hit them with a club or deliver the news as a drive by shooting. I’ll do it in song, in public, or in the nude. So if you have some person hanging around and you’ve had just the right amount of booze, give me a ring.

Lower those expectations. If there’s one thing I’ve learned about Valentine’s Day it’s that it makes everyone a liar. No matter what people say, they usually do want a night of romance and attention and being spoiled. Who wouldn’t? It’s a natural human want.

But let’s say you get that night of romance and attention, what happens on February 15th? Right, the party’s over.

In order to prepare you for this, I offer a night so void of romance, that you’ll not crave a man’s attention for three months. It’ll start at a McDonald’s (with coupon), then we’ll wander to the nearest park bench and split a box of red wine. Then you’ll pay for a cab to your place, we’ll watch some porn, and I’ll fall asleep in my underwear on your couch while watching sitcoms.

You. Are. Welcome.

Miscellaneous Valentine’s Services. I know there are a lot of people out there who need some support on this the mother of all who-gives-a-rat’s-chewy-ass of a holiday. So I am at your service. Need someone to come to your house and eat stuff? Need someone to stand next to you on your date so you look taller and slimmer? I can also call your mother and tell her you’re gay. Shit, I’ll call your mother and tell her I’m gay. Whatever you need.

Or, I could just go out drinking with you.

  1. #1 by greg galeone on February 14, 2014 - 2:43 am

    you are a giver not a taker.

  2. #2 by Allison on February 15, 2014 - 1:06 am

    Are you aware that all your captchas are valentines themed today? I wasn’t sure how to do the first one (a heart then the word ‘chocolates’), the next was ‘sweet valentine’, then ‘flowers’ and ‘love’ before reverting to normal- ‘dusky centsnoc’.

    How anti-valentine’s can you be with this going on, hmm?

    <3 & xoxox

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