How to Write to Impress

paranoiaThis autumn you (yes, you) are going to get your first university writing assignment. And whether that assignment is a research paper, an argumentative essay, or a report, your problem is the same: how do I impress my professor with my academic writing? In order to do well, you need to impress your professors. To achieve this goal, I recommend three points: avoid stating a clear argument, do not organize your paper, and use big and complicated words.

The first way to impress a professor is to avoid stating a clear argument. Clear arguments are straightforward, boring, and simply tell the professor exactly what you are writing about. Rather, the main idea of your essay should be a mystery. This allows the professor to spend hours studying your essay in search of the mysterious argument and main point. Aren’t you always more impressed with a movie that keeps you guessing? Well, approach academic writing the same way: clear writing is boring. Be mysterious.

Just as your argument should be esoteric, your essay should also be organized like a bowl of cooked spaghetti. You should not put any thought into planning or outlining your essay, nor should you worry about logically sequencing it. Most other students plan, outline, and write with a logical sequence, which usually only leads to well-written and clear essays – in other words, the same old stuff. As we all know, the same old stuff isn’t going to impress a professor. If you want to impress, you need to be different and that means writing with no planning, no outline, and no direction.

Another way to impress is by using big and complicated words. How impressed are you when someone confuses you by using huge words. The more hypermammothian (huge) and cryptically Daedanaen (complicated) the word, the more you will impress. Just imagine how impressed your professor will be if he has to use the dictionary five times while reading your essay. Consequently, they will probably thank you for teaching them new vocabulary. Moreover, if you add unique grammar to your essay it will make things even gooder.

In conclusion, impressing your professors with your academic writing is easy. You only have to create a vague and mysterious argument, write in a disorganized fashion, and use big words. Just think about how popular you will become with the professors at your university when you start writing to impress them. They’ll probably just give you a PhD right away.


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    That’s how I got my PhD…

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    …writing end-of-semester lab reports…make tea… take 10 min procrastination break… crack the f*** up when I read this.

    I might send this to my profs- they’d certainly get a kick out of it as they’re in manic grading mode right now. As I’m guessing you are too 😉

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