Damien Galeone

I have recently become fascinated by the hundreds of seemingly random holidays that usually go unnoticed by the average Joe. To illustrate, let’s look at May.

May is National Hamburger Month and National Blood Pressure Month. This is good because most of the people who celebrate National Hamburger Month are going to need blood pressure medication. May is also National Salad Month and National Barbecue Month, which seems another doomed pairing. And, just for those who go too overboard with barbecues, hamburgers, or blood pressure, it also happens to be National Recommitment Month.

Each week is dedicated to a cause as well. The second week of May is Wildflower Week, the third week is National Police Week, and the fourth is Emergency Medical Services week.

Every day in May – and every other month – is dedicated to some unusual celebration. There is Star Wars Day (May 4th), No Diet Day (May 6th), Clean Up Your Room Day (May 10th), Fatigue Syndrome Day (May 12th), and Dance Like a Chicken Day (May 14th). Let us hope that the EMTs don’t celebrate too hard during their week or people suffering injuries during the chicken dance might have to go without attention. I am fairly certain that my students celebrate Fatigue Syndrome Day every day of the year.

But it has occurred to me that we are getting ripped off here. All I celebrate is Christmas, Easter, Halloween, Thanksgiving, VE Day, my birthday, the anniversary of the first time I touched a boob, Jenna Jameson’s birthday, and Pizza Day. Otherwise, there is a whole, giant world of holidays that we are missing.

But not anymore!

This week I have decided to observe each holiday in some way. Here’s my plan.

No Dirty Dishes Day (May 18th)

To celebrate this day I am going to do every dish in my house by hand, giving my dishwasher a break. I shall also sing chain gang songs while I do them.

Boys’ Club Day (May 19th)

Monday (aka Boys’ Club Day) will be filled with all things boys club related. I am going to listen to the ‘80s R&B group Boys Club (and then kick my own ass), I will watch the 1997 crime film Boys Club starring Chris Penn. And I am going to watch the Parks and Recreation episode entitled Boys’ Club.

In the meantime, maybe I’ll try to teach (in my B1 Czech) some random boy how to hit a baseball. I am sure that will not lead to any problems. Or incarceration.

Be a Millionaire Day (May 20th)

I could rename this Pretend Day. I am going to dress in my best digs, act superior, and say things like “I could buy and sell you, asshole” only to people who I am 100% certain cannot understand me. Also, I think I’ll treat myself to an expensive steak dinner and then starve myself for the rest of the month.

Memo Day (May 21st)

I have 14 Post-it pads that are going to get used in abundance on Memo Day. I am going to post notes and memos for colleagues, even if we are sitting in the same room and having a conversation. I am going to post memos on the cat, wall, my legs, and on my neighbors’ doors.

As it is also National Waiter and Waitress Day, I think I’ll go to my local pub and pretend I have a sore throat and order everything through memos. Two birds, one stone.

Buy a Musical Instrument Day (May 22nd)

I have one word for you: Kazoo.

Lucky Penny Day (May 23rd)

I never see pennies anymore, but I will find one this day. I will make it my lucky penny, put it in my pocket, say nice things to it and then I will do several things I never do that demand an extraordinary amount of luck. I will ask a random woman for her phone number, play roulette, and send a short story to The New Yorker or an article pitch to the New York Times. Wish me luck!

National Escargot Day (May 24th)

I live in a place called Podoli. If you live in Prague, you are familiar with this quiet little section of the city that sits at the top of a hill overlooking the Vltava.

But when it rains, there are no less than 29,492,458 snails slowly maneuvering around Podoli’s wet sidewalks. Many the rainy night I have stepped down, heard a crack, and then felt something slimy under my shoe.

And on May 24th, I am going to gather up 10 of these little guys, bring them to my house and eat one covered in butter. The others I will put in a terrarium and use them to drive the B Monster insane.

How are you going to celebrate these holidays?