Bow before the Philly Cheesesteak.

Bow before the Philly Cheesesteak.

I woke up in a mood. Yes, a mood. It’s really just a taste in my mouth. Then I made the mistake of going to Google images and looking at photos of food. I am one ravenous bastard. Even the cat scurried under the couch when I started drooling and visually fitting her for a bun and covering her in lettuce and a tomato.

For most of the year, I am fairly good at keeping my cravings at arm’s length. I don’t think about American food because it’s too far away. Sort of like how you don’t think about sex when it’s been more than a few months or you don’t think about Christmas in July.

It’s around this time of year that I begin really craving the food I am going to have in the U.S. It’s surely due to the fact that I will be eating it in 7 weeks. I can almost taste the buttery goodness, see the oversized portions, feel the pounds attach themselves to my waist, suffer the shame and arousal that come immediately afterwards as I wander around a mall or a Barnes & Noble.

Don’t get me wrong, the Czechs do pretty good food. But they don’t do U.S. food. And if you are Czech and reading this and rolling your eyes, I will remind you that when most of you travel you a) bring all of your own food and b) carry all of the ingredients to make Czech bread. So shut up.

This morning, as I choke down a bowl of Muesli and a drinkable yogurt, here’s what I wish I was eating.

Two words: Philly Cheesesteak

I don’t care how sick you are of hearing about the Philly Cheesesteak. It is simply the greatest local delicacy on the globe. If you haven’t had one, your life is incomplete. And I feel sorry for you. I arrive in Newark (I know…) July 20th at 2:35pm and a Philly Cheesesteak will be decorating my throat at approximately 4:11 pm.

Diner Breakfast

Czech Republic, I love you so much, and you do some things so well, so much better than anyone else: beer, pickled…stuff, pork products, leggy blondes. But when you do diner food it’s sort of like the time my mom sent me a card on February 14th which read ‘Be my Valentine.’

Bagels and Doughnuts

Doughnuts. I can taste them: Boston cream, bear claws, jelly, and glazed. Then there are bagels: lox and cream cheese on poppy, turkey and cheddar on sesame seed, cream cheese on blueberry.

I truly believe that if all the combatants on Earth sat down and ate some circular baked goods with holes in the middle, there would be world peace. How can someone be angry after eating something with sprinkles on it? How?

Surf and Turf

T-bone. Sirloin. Filet Mignon. Crab. Salmon. Lobster. Well, really anything that isn’t a pork steak, mackerel, or sardines. I am going to sit like the ghost of Christmas present and eat with my hands and smack my lips and laugh when people at other tables look at me and go, “I bet he’s foreign.”

What am I missing?

Are you an expat? Tell me what is missing off of my list. I only have 31 days in the U.S. so I have to make the gluttonous most of it. What should I eat?

  1. #1 by Allison on May 31, 2014 - 1:28 am

    For me it was always (in order):
    Barbeque (pulled pork sandwich & ribs)
    Biscuits, especially with Jimmy Dean sausage gravy
    Pie (any variety)
    Good mexican food
    Avocados that were not horribly under or over ripe

  2. #2 by Eddie on June 1, 2014 - 5:06 pm

    I am not an expat. but here are a few…
    Tex Mex
    Hot Dogs
    Nachos with salsa
    Tasty cakes

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