Damien Galeone

I turned forty years old on Saturday and immediately found the closest bottle of alcohol to sip at and ponder the unfairness that had brought me to this affair. At first the only thing I could mutter into my drink was “Well, that happened fast.” And it really did. It seems a week ago I was celebrating my 21st and now I’m saying things like “How can you drink tequila on a Tuesday?”

There are lots of disadvantages to turning forty. I get heartburn by looking at pizza. Standing up and sitting down requires a good groan. My body randomly decides to shut down parts, such as ankles and knees. My doctor performs tests on me that I have only seen in internet videos.

Plus. I’m forty.

Maybe it was the variety of liquids I was ingesting, but I finally decided to look at the positive side. There are some major benefits of turning forty.

I think one of the largest benefits is that I am much smarter that I was. And by that I mean that I am much better at not being an idiot. In the old days (last month) I would fly off the handle or say the dumbest things. I excelled at it, to be honest. But my brain and I finally get along, so I have the benefit of insight and instinct. And I know when to keep my mouth shut.

Another benefit is that my advice is much better and that’s because I actually know what I’m talking about now. I have always loved giving advice, unfortunately when I was younger I was a complete moron. It feels good to know that all of those years of making dumb mistakes can actually benefit another person. It feels good to know that it was all for something. Now, if only someone would take the advice…

My friendships are a great part of my life, mainly because all of the friends I have are the friends I want. The melodrama creators, the users, and the dolts are gone. I like people and I like having friends, but I used to think I had to be everyone’s friend. This is no longer the case. I have fewer friends now, but quality beats quantity any day of the week. And I’ve learned that there is nothing better in the world than being surrounded by smart people who love you. I’m not kidding. I only hope that I am the same to them.

I was so worried that once my hair started going gray and I needed two sets of glasses (reading and seeing) women would start finding me less attractive. But the reality is that women like distinguished men. Distinguished. It’s one of the few positive adjectives that comes along with forty. Even though it’s another word meaning old and blind, it’s not a bad adjective to have in your favor.

Still, the biggest benefit is that I don’t care what people think. I just don’t. People often say this and they don’t mean it, and I used to be one of these people. I cared too much about what others thought of me. Now I do not. And it makes everything better – sex, life, work, fun. Not caring what people think is like getting an extra four hours sleep every night. It’s completely liberating. I wear sweater vests, celebrate a yearly holiday called ‘Gay Day’ and write about my cat more than a forty-year old man should be comfortable with. But – and I cannot stress this enough – I do not care.

So being welcomed to the Forty Club has its benefits. If you’re already forty you know that. And if you’re younger, don’t worry, I’ll be waiting to welcome you when it’s your turn.