2015 Bucket List

my bucket listIt is the first day of 2015. On this day countless people are embarking on life changes, resolutions, and goals. They are gazing blearily at a list of health food, dusting off the treadmill, or throwing away the half-empty pack of cigarettes.

And they are miserable.

If you brought in the New Year in a similar fashion to me, your only resolution is to get through the day without your eyeballs exploding. Therefore you are incapable of latching onto any real goals or resolutions. All I can muster this morning is a few small items that I’d like to attain throughout the year. My 2015 bucket list. This bucket list isn’t necessarily about exotic locales and experiences; it’s more about seeing if I can pull some of this shit off.

In 2015, I will eat an entire wild boar, including the shotgun pellets.

I will kiss a spider on the face. A big spider. One with eight whole hairy legs and a bad attitude.

I will ask a tall woman on a date. And on that date we will play basketball or go apple picking. Depending on the woman, I might ask her to carry me around in that thing that Chewbacca carried C3PO around in after he got blasted by that stormtrooper.

I will read an entire book in 24 hours. In bed. And it’ll be a Russian book, with lots of death and silence and description of rivers and Cossacks.

I will learn to say the equivalent idiom of “it’s all Greek to me” in every language on Earth. And maybe Klingon. In case you’re wondering why I don’t just enter “it’s all Greek to me” into Google translate and having at it, the equivalent idiom is different in every language. In Czech it’s “je to Španělska vesnice.” It’s a Spanish village.

I will figure out the murderer on Lewis before they tell me at the end.

I will hold a conversation in Czech without accidentally saying something vulgar. In a related bucket list item, I will say something vulgar in Czech on purpose to a high-ranking politician.

I will teach my cat to respect testicles.

I will learn the exact whereabouts of Carmen Sandiego.

I will understand the appeal of having kids.

I will actively not produce one.

I will figure out what my cat is looking at when she freaks out and stares at the wall behind me.

I will open a window on the tram and I will make the Czechs enjoy it.

I will not say “You idiot! Why are you doing that!?” during an episode of The Walking Dead.

I will throttle my neighbor during his next Ace of Base marathon. The same goes for his Britney Spears, Debbie Gibson, or Sister Souljah marathons.

And I will teach an entire 90 minute lesson without a student looking at their phone. If I can pull this off somehow, I’ll write a book on how I did it and make a million dollars.

And thee, my friends? What’s on your bucket list for the year?

  1. #1 by julia on January 1, 2015 - 3:59 pm

    I hate the robot tester on this site. It feel awful to FALL at being a human, and BY a computer just is icing on the cake.

    No huge resolutions this year for me, but id like to lose some weight and learn sign language.

    That spider would need to be dead in order for me to kiss it in the face

  2. #2 by HokeyPokeyTrainer on January 1, 2015 - 4:58 pm

    I will try to make less jokes that people misunderstand, I will eat more broccoli, I will dress up at least once as Sophie Marceau in “La Boum” (including that awful haircut) just to dance a corny slow dance in that awkward teenager way with someone I have a crush on and actually mean it.
    The german equivalent of “it’s all Greek to me” would be “all I hear is ‘train station'”.

  3. #3 by HokeyPokeyTrainer on January 1, 2015 - 5:01 pm

    The german equivalent of “

    Just noticed that I wrote German uncapitalized. Must be my subconscious trying to deal with collective guilt again.

  4. #4 by julia on January 1, 2015 - 5:56 pm

    Fun side note, the Chinese equivalent of ‘hair of the dog’ is ‘a return to the soul.’

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