Damien Galeone

For many people, there isn’t a glummer moment than stepping into work for the first time after the Christmas holidays. This is for many reasons.

The holidays are done. That means the cheer, warmth, and fun of the holiday season is just behind us. It is a memory of ecstasy – less work, more fun, encouraged gorging – that now mocks us. Alfred De Musset said it best: “there is no greater sorrow than remembering happiness.”

Sing it, Brother Alfred.

In addition, the months ahead of us are dark, gray, and cold. January and February are the Morrissey of the year’s months. And like listening to Morrissey, living in a northern locale in these months does encourage fantasies about leaping in front of trams.

What’s more, work is piled up. In the waning days of 2014, you might have said “I’ll deal with it after Christmas.” And there was no better phrase because “after Christmas” was a whole year away.

But it was only two weeks away. And it’s now. So in addition to peering at the dark months we have to get through in order to reach, you know, a day with sun, we have a lot to do.

But before you reach into that cupboard, pull out a Nick Drake album and pour a shot of Drain-o, don’t despair. There are some fun and weird holidays to celebrate in January, ones that might help you get through this terrible, dark, and cold month.

It’s National Bath Safety Month, which suggests (to me, anyway) that the national monthly theme office are telling us all to avoid “razor accidents.” This might be more weird when considering the fact that it’s also National Blood Donor Month. But I’ll let you do the twisted math.

Male Watcher’s day is January 8th. Yes, this is pretty much what it sounds like. All year round we know that men are predators, staring and ogling women. But on January 8th the tables are turned. It’s the ladies’ turn to ogle men, because we all know that they would never do that outside of the rigid confines of an organized yearly holiday.

In any event, this allows men to be the eye candy for once. So I plan on putting on my booty jeans and strutting along Náplavka.

On January 10th odd people everywhere will be celebrating Peculiar People Day. The goal of this holiday is to celebrate the unique and odd “you,” so whatever makes you weird, I guess you have to do that all day. I look forward to bailing some of you out of jail. No matter how you celebrate, be sure to eat the official meal of Peculiar People Day, which is obviously Chicken ala King.

But if you can’t go out on January 10th, you have to be sure you make it out for the Feast of the Fabulous Wild Men on January 12th. No idea, folks. There doesn’t seem to be a strict interpretation of this holiday. So I suggest that you celebrate how you want using your own imagination.

I think I’ll bring my favorite students to Stromovka for a picnic and then hunt them for sport. Don’t judge. This is my interpretation of a holy day.

No matter your New Years Resolution, on January 17th you are required to disregard it as per the rules and regulations of Ditch New Years Resolutions Day. What it lacks in snappy title, it makes up for with the hedonistic possibilities. Just imagine an entire day – a Saturday, no less – in which you are encouraged to eat whatever you want, drink whatever you want, or download whatever you want off the Internet.

National Compliment day is January 24th and I encourage you all to be generous this day with your compliments. It’s the middle of the dark season and people will need a pick-me-up, so go on and tell your office mates they look nice. Tell the tram driver you like the way he handles the corners, or the cashier at the Albert that you like her porcupine barrettes. Well, that’s what I’m going to do…once I piece together the language.

If you are devious, you could use National Compliment Day in conjunction with National Opposite Day, which is the following day. Talk about an opportunity to gaslight someone.

I love your porcupine barrettes.

Those porcupine barrettes are stupid.

OK, so the deviousness was vastly darker in my head.

Finally, folks, there are so many days dedicated to food that it’s clear January is a month which needs gastronomical comfort support. So you can celebrate National Bean Day (6), National Popcorn Day (19), National Buttercrunch Day (20), National Blonde Brownie Day (22), National Pie Day (23), National Chocolate Cake Day (27), National Cornchip Day (30)

If you celebrate all of them, you’d better join a gym in February.