If you are older than twelve, then you know there are so many universal truths out there. Your bus only breaks down when you are running late, the tallest person in the theater will sit right in front of you, and your water only gets shut off when you reek of bourbon and fried meat and have a meeting with your boss in an hour.
They are universal truths and sometimes we get reminders of them. And then we let loose with a number of colorful vulgarities that your mother would smack you for uttering.
And why do we get reminders?
Well, if you paid attention in your religion class, you know that the universe is run by evil little imps called jerks. And every now and then, the universe likes to use these guys to remind us that we are its bitches.
These reminders are usually doled out in minor increments, one every month or so. But now and then you endure a week which consists of so many universal reminders that you feel like the butt of an intergalactic prank. This was one of those weeks. And I suppose in order to not throw myself in front of a bus, I jotted them down. And now you get to read them.
Lucky you.
This is not nearly a comprehensive list. Add to it.
The internet is very good at making me terrified of things I never knew about. This week I learned that women can still get pregnant while they are pregnant. Also, there is a worm in Africa which eats your penis from the inside. I learned that 40 seconds after buying an airline ticket to Ethiopia.
If you are into someone, they will not be into you. If you are not into someone, they are in love with you. I have no idea why, but this was summed up best by a Welsh drinking buddy: “Someone somewhere is having a right laugh.”
If the government can waste your time and money, they will do so. If they can’t find a reason, they will invent one. The Czech government is especially capable at this task and you always need a stamp.
You will not look good when you see your ex and her (or his) new partner. This is all the more distressing since it goes directly against the fantasies you have concocted in your head about running into her when you are dressed in a tuxedo and stepping into a limo with two gorgeous women who are each opening boxes of condoms with their teeth. But no, you will see your ex and new partner as you are, for example, in a shop in your fat day clothes pricing cheap bourbons and shaking a cantaloupe.
A clean suit is irresistible to cats.
On the bright side today is the start of a new week. I don’t have to wear a suit during it and I have already bought my stamp for the bureaucratic office I have to go to tomorrow. As for the African pecker worm, I have time to worry about that.
Plus, bourbon.
People of the internet! How does the universe remind you that you are its bitch?
