Clothing Innovations for the Irritated and Hungry

My Life Story

My Life Story

From time to time I hit snooze twice and end up running around my house like a headless turkey. And then I usually leave my house decaffeinated, hungry, and unshowered.

Today is one of those days.

Add in the fact that I have left my house without a book and my morning is ruined. Or at least my morning commute. I am running late, so I can’t stop for a snack or a coffee, and no book means I am forced to sit on public transport and be with myself in my own head.

It’s a horror show.

On the tram I am agitated. In addition to my already mentioned stack of issues, it’s winter, so comfort is not a word in my lexicon. My skin is dry, I am sweating because it’s – 30 degrees outside and the Czechs heat their trams and metros at around 400 Kelvin.

A Buddhist would be. Just be. Breathe. Be in the moment.

Commendable, but not my bag, baby. I have to distract myself by focusing on my misery and wondering how I could either A. be less miserable or B. be more miserable.

Today, I think about A.

It starts, as always, with food.

I need a sandwich and I blame my own lack of planning. But if I had a sandwich pocket, I would never be without a sandwich again. Yes, like one of like those ridiculous hammer loops in jeans that make them carpenter jeans (jeans, by the way, no carpenter actually wears), a sandwich pocket is a side pocket whose job is to carry an emergency sandwich for when you you need one.

It’s useful. I swear.

Once I have hypothetically sorted out my very real hunger, I move on to itchiness. Feet, primarily. Winter can be a tough time for the skin and for the feet. And for the skin on your feet it can be brutal. How many times in the middle of the day do your feet itch so badly that you just want to rip your shoes off and bury a fork into your arch?

I know! Me too.

So I propose a shoe with a built-in navigable spur that allows you to scratch those pesky itches at all times of the day while maintaining your decorum and dignity. Warning: you might need Band-Aids.

Winter can be a pain for a guy (or a lady) who sweats. You go from the freezing cold to hellish hot every time you go indoors. This is uncomfortable, embarrassing, and…moist. We need a self-drying shirt. How to get a fan in our shirts? Or is it a material that dries immediately like a shammy? Who knows. That’s for our gearheads in development to figure out.

But the demand is there. Sweaty people, unite! OK, now get away, you’re dripping on me.

If someone in the civilized, underpants-wearing world told me they have not been uncomfortable in public due to their undergarments, I wouldn’t believe them. Speaking for all males, boxer shorts can do a number of things to make us uncomfortable in our giblet zone: ride up, slide down, bunch up under the grundel, perform a peep show in my pants, and dive head first into the ravine.

We need a pair of magic boxers. These boxers will unwrap, dislodge, and rearrange themselves at my request. And, by the way, if I can figure out this one, I will be richer than that Powerball guy.

This insanity party is open, so…

what clothing innovations would you love to see?  

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