We are all the heroes of our own story. And in our fantasies, news headlines reveal just that about us. Man Saves Family from Fire; Penguin Publishes Manuscript Found in Garbage, Becomes Instant Classic; Man, Though not Classically Attractive, Rated on Personality and Immediately Named Time Magazine’s Man of the Year and Sexiest Man Alive.
In our faceless way, we rock! And we want the world to know it.
But if there’s one horrifying reality, it’s that we are mostly mundane little creatures. And while our oddities, day to day struggles, and epiphanies mean a great deal to us, they wouldn’t amount to much when headlined on the New York Times.
Man Sends Colleague Irritated Text in Meeting that could have been (short) Email
Man Horrified to Learn that his Cat Posts aren’t Seen as Ironic by Bulk of Friends
Man Constantly Worries about Accidentally Sending Dick Pic to Entire Contacts List
Man Flays Boss in Mock Argument in Shower
Man Constantly Thanks Deity he Doesn’t Believe in that Nobody can Read his Mind
Man Occasionally Mentions Passing Interest in Birds to Make Himself More Sophisticated
Man Breathes Deeply when Burrito Loco is out of Wraps: Pretends Zen Attitude, but Really Afraid of Ending up in Viral Video
Man Thinks Joking about Practicing Casual Conversation Makes it Less Insane
Man Almost Loses Eye after Biting Cat’s Tail
Man Goes Berserk in Toilet after Boss Asks about Email she’d Sent Twenty Minutes Before
Man Realizes he Doesn’t Hate Taylor Swift after Hearing One of her Songs
Study Shows Man Understands Significance of Cultural Sayings Seven Years after Significant: True Story
Man Hums to Warn Urinators that He’s Pooping in Stall
Man Dreams of Bludgeoning Czech Clerk to Death with her Own Stamp
Man, 43, Stunned that Airplane Lifts off
Incensed Man Writes Blog after Realizing he only Gets about Thirty Facebook Friends in Feed: Facebook Does Not React
Man Suffers Nervous Breakdown after Students Refuse to use Target Language
Man Disillusioned after Mark Hamill Doesn’t Send him a Birthday Tweet
November 8th: Man Shaves Mustache after Nobody Realizes he’s Being Ironic
Man Feels Satisfied after Doing Laundry and Food Shopping on one Saturday; Will Reward Self with Reading and Maybe a Beer Later
What would be your life’s headlines?
