Earn Social Bucks

I applaud China’s decision to implement the idea of not only rating social credit, but also punishing social transgressors and the socially awkward and rewarding the socially attractive. It’s about time that crimes such as accruing debt or hanging out with someone of a lower social status is punishable. How many times I’ve thought that someone who blocks a footpath with their bike or who issues an insincere apology should be added to a blacklist.

Once they’re on this list, they can be dealt with via appropriate recourse, which could be travel restrictions or, we can only hope, being completely socially outcast.

If there’s one thing social interactions and faux pas need, it’s more bureaucracy and legal punishment.

I’m pretty socially perfect. I fit in with snowflakes and rednecks. One of the cooks where I used to work said I had Street Cred because I drank Olde E. People always say things to me like: “You rock!” I break very few social rules, almost to a pathological degree. I always know what to say. I am a delight at a funeral! I am also super good looking but humble enough to know not to call attention to it; I am hyper aware of blocking people’s paths with things, mostly because I’m terrified of coming into contact with strangers’ calves or elbows. I don’t own a bike, and I have very little debt, which is one of the positive byproducts of having very little money. (That’s 5-18ths of a demerit. Hm)

So I say roll out the punishments! Let’s start with people who block doorways, which in the Czech Republic would produce a number of public demerits that would be off the hook. (I’m now at 6-18ths of a demerit for outdated idiomatic phrase usage. Oops). We could also punish people for formal/informal slipups, as well as other social faux pas like asking waiters and cashiers to break large bills, and not reacting well when bumping into a colleague in public. There should also be one for when a grocery store security guard is irked by your coat.

What the punishments would be obviously depends on the Social Attractiveness Level of the transgressor. Each social infraction made by those deemed socially attractive or likable or those with good dental hygiene will earn 1-18th of a demerit. When those infractions add up to a total of fifteen (15) demerits, the person in question will be asked to purchase one whole smoked mackerel (really just to get some of them off the shelves) from the Albert’s grocery store most convenient to them.

Those deemed unlikable or who exhibit behavior that can be construed as unusual, quiet, awkward, introverted, British, or not funny, will be charged three (3) demerits for every transgression. When the accumulative number of these demerits amounts to two (2) demerits, the criminal in question will be forced to join a dating website and enter their true height and weight, along with four unflattering pictures. They may also, depending on their crime against society, be forced to post one vague Facebook message which suggests depression.

On the bright side, people can be given social credit for exhibiting social intelligence, by saying things that everyone around them agrees with, for not bothering others or by not making someone feel uncomfortable by thoughts or ideas. And this social credit can add up to a rewards system. This rewards system is still being developed by the Social Credit Board, so we are spitballing ideas. (That’s 7-18ths for disgusting word usage. Damn!) (That’s 8-18ths for vulgarity usage. Shucks!)

I have been wondering how I’d like to spend my Social Bucks, as I am trying to get people to call them. (9-18ths for a stupid phrase? I thought that was clever.) I was thinking it might be best to kill two birds with one stone (10-18ths! Cliché, my ass!) (11-18ths My ass? Oh come on! Everyone says that!) (12-18th Complaining! A simple complaint! You guys are monsters!) (13-18ths for insinuating the Social Credit Board is of a different species.)

Sigh. In…any event. Perhaps the Social, um, Credit System could be based on the idea that we take things away from the bad social actors and give to the good. Sort of like the Robin Hood Social Credit System. (14-18ths for a bad metaphor. Grrrrrr)

But I don’t want to buy a mackerel.

Nevermind. I’ll be good.

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