A Day in the Life (of a Schmuck writing an Essay on Salman Rushdie)

Apple IIThis follows the timeline of a schmuck writing a paper on ‘The Prophet’s Hair’ by Salman Rushdie. Please do not replicate.

8:15 a.m. I decide to start writing. I make a huge breakfast that takes over an hour to prepare and forty-five minutes to eat. After three cups of black, strip-your-stomach-lining coffee and singing along to the entire album Highway 61 Revisited, I sit down at the desk.

Computer Screen Status: Blank

9:23 a.m. After one more cup of coffee I visit the bathroom and read. A rambunctious Morcheeba album forces me to jot notes on a notepad.

Computer Screen Status: Name in upper right hand corner

10:31 a.m. I get down to serious work and therefore embark on a mission to organize my junk drawer. The oxymoronic value of it blows my mind.

Computer Screen Status: Name in upper right corner changed to this font.

10:52 a.m. I discover a box of highlighters! More specifically, I discover how much more fun highlighting ‘The Prophet’s Hair’ is than writing about ‘The Prophet’s Hair.’ The demographics are as follows:

Yellow: 22% (verbs)

Pink: 12% (nouns)

Blue: 38% (pissing off Muslims)

Green: 27% (stuff I have to look up on Wikipedia)

Blank: 1% (The title)

Computer Screen Status: Name unbolded.

11:57 a.m. I am in the bath reading a James Thurber book. Due to my highlighting adventures Bela the cat now has a blue nose. She has gone into a closet, presumably to plot revenge.

Computer Screen Status: Don’t know, don’t care.

12:59 p.m. I return to the computer to see Bela’s revenge.


1:53 p.m. I write the following.

In the sentence below, we are introduced to Rushdie’s sense of humor concerning the Islamic religion and his dissenting opinion about western influences. Rushdie, in this sentence, finally takes on the post-colonial tone that he cleverly disguises as simple exposition. The western influence is clear and a close analysis provides insight into a sacred Muslim religious icon that is cast into a western secular world. In the sentence below, taken straight from the story, Rushdie sums up west and east relations in the world of a religious community’s iconic tendencies and secular iconoclasts destroying that praise, per se.

                                                                                       Night Fell.    

Computer Screen Status: Hard to say, but I am pretty sure that it laughs at the bullshit that is being typed onto it.

3:52 p.m. I become aware that my argument is, what is the academic word – oh yes, crapf*ck. In lieu of this revelation I Watch the Seinfeld episode in which Kramer meets a man named Salbass in a sauna who he is convinced is Salman Rushdie. I attempt to argue that the fish link between Salbass and Salman caused the price of fish sales to drop in 1994. This correlation is not achieved.

Computer Screen Status: Embarrassed for me.

4:31 p.m. I take a break from sitting in my office watching reruns of Frasier and go sit on my couch to watch reruns of Frasier. It’s possible that instead of Frasier, it was Mary Tyler Moore.

Computer Screen Status: I deal with a patch of writer’s block by writing a script for a hardcore porn movie entitled ‘The Prophet’s Mare,’ involving Rushdie and his various characters.

5:26-6:01 p.m. I search the internet for agents who represent pornographic screenwriters.

Computer Screen Status: Quickly degrading to a vast degree.

6:41 p.m. I scan my favorite Wikipedia page (recent deaths).

6:42 p.m. I mourn Dennis Callahan (Mayor of Annapolis)

8:31 p.m. The paper is finished. I conclude that Salman Rushdie’s overall point is to open a Dairy Queen in Newark.

10:15 p.m. Reading Thurber in bed, trying to think of a fresh, fun, awesome idea for next day’s blog. Nothing comes.

Computer Screen Status: Anxious

  1. #1 by Charlene on May 2, 2012 - 2:28 am

    I’m happy to read your blog

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