A fact of life for any unknown writer is trying to get a book review from someone other than their grandmom. My grandmom thinks my novel is a masterpiece, much better than “that Southern fella who writes about all the lawyers,” but that doesn’t help sway the New York Times Book Review into taking a look.
Getting a review in Kirkus Reviews, which is a highly regarded literary review, costs a lot of money. A lot. And since I am an educator in the Czech Republic, selling my soul has become a necessary evil.
Below is a list of ten services I am offering to raise the money for a review in Kirkus. I based it on my strengths, people’s needs, and of course, porn.
10. Sell a kidney. I have two, I only need one and I pee a lot anyway.
Price List
Right Kidney $300
Left Kidney $250 (I sleep on my left side)
9. Rent out the B Monster as an alarm clock. My cat Bela provides several household functions, but none better than her early morning practice of opening your bedroom door and pushing objects from your bureaus until you wake up. This is a plus if you desire apoplexy.
Price List
$50 per day
$80 if she kills any household pests
10% discount if she kills any household pets
15% discount if you bleed
20% discount if you have to clean cat urine off of one of your rugs
8. Draw noses. After thirty years of doodling the same cartoon face I finally nailed the perfect nose a few months ago! I would be happy to draw this nose 8,000 times on any paper or surface you’d like.
Price List
$1 per nose
$5 per face
7. Personal chef. Eating by yourself can be terribly boring, so for a reasonable price I will cook for you. My impressive repertoire includes fish sticks, French fries and stuff you put mayonnaise on.
Price List
$100 per meal
$150 with witty conversation
$120 with conversation
6. Prague is the gay porn capital of the world.
Price List
Send email to galhog69@boytoy.cz for CV, details and references.
5. TV partner. Are you friendless? Chances are that if any of the previous five options have appealed to you in some way, then you are. I can come to your house (I don’t want you knowing where I live) and we can watch TV while eating potato chips. I will also act as though you are the coolest person on Earth.
Price List
$300 per four-hour session
$350 and I will create a nickname just for you, Zagbot!
$400 and I will make us a homemade chip dip with olives, mustard and bourbon
4. Co-create pornographic screenplays. This involves watching any movie or television show with the sound off and creating a deeply disturbed pornographic screenplay with a highly complicated story line. Past gems include Dude, Where’s Your Scar and Don’t Tell Mom the Babysitter’s Giving Head.
Price List
$200 plus 80% royalties
3. Drunken Roulette. This one pays for itself! We will get highly intoxicated and I will teach you how to lose money playing roulette.
Price List
$400
$500 with post-roulette discussion about how losing is better than winning since you don’t get addicted. Crying is optional.
2. Male Escort. The way I see it, if people are interested in ladyboys and Roseanne Barr, there has to be a thriving market for short fat men who make self-deprecating remarks about their sweater vests. My specialties include inappropriate comments followed by fifteen minutes of explanation and apologies. Cat stories that I find funny and everyone else find duller than Andy Warhol films. Asking if my sideburns are even.
Price List
$100 per hour (with pants)
$2 per hour (without pants/ comes with sincere apologies)
1. Buy My Book. If you buy my book or recommend my book to anyone, I will provide any of the services above for free! Well, except for 10 or 6. Call for details about 2.
Any other ideas?
#1 by Emma on February 13, 2012 - 2:26 pm
i already bought your book, and recommended it. therefore, i would like number 7 (fish sticks and fries are fine, although i prefer ketchup with them, and malt vinegar for the fries) and also, i think, number 5. i was dallying with the idea of number 2, but frankly, i think i see you enough at the troop to know how that would go. and number 4 would just be too easy for us both. drop me a line with possible dates so that i can pencil you in. cheers.
#2 by Damien Galeone on February 13, 2012 - 3:16 pm
And this is why you and I are going to buy a house together and conquer the writing world! Anyway, I’ll give you a ring this week sometime and buy the fish sticks…
#3 by Emma on February 13, 2012 - 3:31 pm
sweet.
#4 by Andy on February 13, 2012 - 5:51 pm
I can vouch for #5 and #3. Add a bottle of Becherovka to the mix for even more hilarity.