Assembly Line for a Cross Dresser

SDC10504The twelfth one comes in. She looks like the eleventh. And the tenth. They are all young and attractive; their eyes shine, their smiles are radiant and they are a whole voter younger than me

There are two of us doing the interviews for the study abroad program. One of us is the interviewer, the other is the assessor. I am the interviewer; I begin my rigmarole

“Good morning, I’m Mr. Galeone and this is Professor ———ova. Welcome to the oral test for the Unmentionable Study Abroad Program.” A vine of hives spreads up the candidate’s chest onto her neck as her pre-interview jitters get the better of her. I smile. “Just relax, could you tell us a little about yourself?

As this is the 300th interview I’ve been a part of in the last three weeks, this is where things start to blend together. Therefore, I slip into a kind of dreamy trance during the interview. Do I need bread? Would it freak this kid out if I just started vomiting right now? Look up on Wiki: Nipple Cancer.  

Just as I’m wondering if I accidentally put my T-shirt on backwards again, I force myself to come back to the interview. I do this by trying to find the distinguishing physical characteristic of this candidate. This one has a nose ring. The Eleventh had 14-inch long fake eyelashes; the Tenth had a neck tattoo of a butterfly.

It’s not always about a candidate’s alternative lifestyle. The Fourth had a powdered mustache; the Fifth had a bridge-like unibrow and the Seventh had a cheek mole that had its own gravitational pull.

With these thoughts of facial deformities, I drift off again and snap back in as the student tells us about her love of languages, new cultures, meeting new people and “getting new experiences.” I let out a breath. It’s the sort of breath you do when your Uncle Herman tells his Thanksgiving “Remember trying to hump the dog when you were six” story.

“Thank you, that’s the end of the test. Good luck.” Over 300 interviews and the answers are always the same – languages, culture, people and experience.

The Twelfth disappears through the door. We assess her mark without words and slip her sheet in with the eleven others. The Twelfth is out of our lives forever.

The Thirteenth opens the door and Professor ——–ova and I switch roles, she is the interviewer and I am the assessor. As the professor hands me the pen I say, “I accidentally put on my girlfriend’s underwear this morning.”

She stares at me in disbelief. In hindsight, I don’t know if this is because of the underwear or the fact that a woman might consider me a suitable partner. “What?” she finally asks.

As the Thirteenth sits down in front of us with a radiant smile (and a pimple on her forehead that could perform slam poetry) I say, “I am wearing women’s underwear.”

“Good morning,” the Thirteenth says and Professor ——–ova turns bright red and turns to the student. “Hi…” she gets out. For the first five minutes of the interview Professor ——–ova can’t stop giggling. When she has gotten a grip, I begin a series of subtle stretching and shifting exercises that result in a full revival of the giggles.

“Thank you, that’s the end of the test,” Professor ——–ova says and holds her breath until the Thirteenth has pulled the door closed. “We are switching back,” she says. As the Fourteenth sits in front of me, Professor ——–ova asks the room, “Are they pink?”

The Fourteenth looks confused.

“Good morning,” I say, “Could you tell us a little about yourself?”

As she commences her speech about languages, new cultures and people, travelling and her grammatically incorrect need for experiences, the professor and I squirm and smile. The Fourteenth leaves and Professor ——–ova and I are alone while the Fifteenth has a panic attack in the hallway.

“I don’t know how, but I am going to get you for that,” the professor says.

I don’t how she’s going to get me, since she’s the one who scheduled me to do the oral tests in the first place.

I guess she’ll have to be creative.

  1. #1 by Andrew on February 16, 2012 - 11:07 pm

    I believe you need to refresh yourself on the definitions of “accidentally” and “girlfriend”, good sir.

    • #2 by Damien Galeone on February 19, 2012 - 7:36 pm

      Damn…I meant, ‘on purpose’ and ‘Popkey’.

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