Insomniac Theatre



It’s 3 am and God hates me.

I am sitting in an armchair in my bedroom. I am holding a book, but I am not reading it. I am distracted by my enemy and keep sending glances over the top of the pages to look at him. His flat expanse, his ruffled skin.

The bed.

He mocks me. He has been mocking me for four days. I will kill him.

Every once in a while I suffer a bout of insomnia. I believe that my body and brain just throw me the occasional curve ball to keep my on my toes – things could be a lot worse, bucco, so cheer up! So I take the opportunity to read, watch movies, and send death threats to my bed.

As any insomniac knows, a few nights without sleep cause one to slowly lose their mind. Your mind begins to skew your ability to make clear and reasonable decisions. It’s been four nights. Below is an unofficial journal of sorts of my activity and viewing choices, just in case someone needs to tell this to a mental health professional in a few days.

On the first night I drink warm milk, grow frustrated, and end up on the couch. I watch TV until eventually dozing off around 6 am. Perhaps The Walking Dead and Band of Brothers aren’t the best choices for shows meant to relax and calm. Surely, there is nothing sleep-inducing about eviscerations in the Ardennes or in Georgia.

On the second night I go to the computer. I watch an awful lot of YouTube videos, a suspicious amount of which feature cats, Freddy Mercury, or people getting tortured. I guess I figure that if I am getting tortured, I might as well watch other people get it too. I watch four different Jesuses get whipped, flogged, beaten, and crucified under four different Pontius Pilots. Around 4 am, I start taking “which …. Character are you?” tests online and though this doesn’t help me sleep, I now know that I am Rick in The Walking Dead, Amy Farrah Fowler in The Big Bang Theory, and someone named Blaine from a show called Glee.

On the third night, I go international. I watch some guys sing in French and then start a revolution. Andrea Bocelli, Natalie Lungley, and Ebenezer Scrooge grace my computer screen. I am surprised (and mortified) to find that I am so tired that I understand a Bollywood plot. I have found a cache of internet videos featuring German weight lifters who break bones during dead lifts. I have watched every Black Adder available. I have discovered that its subtext is a code for either a German game show or a secret manifesto naming Nicholas Cage as God.

I believe that I have begun to see through time.

It is night four. At 1 am I pull an armchair from my living room into my bedroom. I cannot watch things anymore. I read. I consider Nicholas Cage, it would explain so much. I don’t read. I sit in the chair, who I have named Baldrick and stare at my bed, who I have named Edmund. Sleep is nowhere close. Maybe I’ll pray to Nicholas Cage.

Insomniacs of the Internet, what do you do when sleep eludes you?

  1. #1 by Jeremy Nicholson on February 18, 2014 - 1:14 am

    I suggest randomly overlooked BBC series during these phases. Highly recommend Spaced (the early Simon Pegg series) and also Green Wing. Both are funny but the kind of thing that are good but easy to fall asleep to ’cause their plots are not that involving. And if you happen to wake up in the middle of an episode, chances are you won’t be lost and will still laugh again for a couple minutes before falling asleep again.

    • #2 by Damien Galeone on February 18, 2014 - 9:18 am

      I’ve heard a lot about Spaced, maybe I’ll give it a shot. Thanks for the tip, old bean.

      • #3 by Jeremy Nicholson on February 19, 2014 - 7:45 pm

        Spaced is actually worth the watch thru all two (3?) seasons. Green Wing is more of a Scrubs-type sitcom, but I think that it’s typically 45 minute episodes. Also available on Youtube. Still highly recommended, simply because it’s so scatalogical. I tried getting into Black Books but just didn’t work for me.

  2. #4 by Jake Smash on February 21, 2014 - 2:15 am

    I read your blog.

    Spaced rocks.

    Seriously, D, watching TV and using the computerbox, or a smartphone, is not conducive to sleep. If you recall, I’ve suffered from the monthly bout of insomnia for over 20 years now. I don’t recall the scientific reasonings, but TV and computerboxes emit a light that makes your brain want to stay up. I cut that shit out an hour before I want to go to bed. I think it has helped

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