A List of Lists

list lsit listOK, Internet. You give me lots to cherish – cats, stoned koala bears, and pictures of Jennifer Lawrence. You cooperate with Saturday night’s ‘Where are they now?’ searches. You bring me movies, books, and music.

Like many of your users, I love me a good list. Life hacks and aging celebrities enrich my lunch break like cookies. But it’s gotten a little ridiculous. I understand that you need to suit our ever shortening attention spans, but don’t you think you’ve run out of lists?

I don’t like arguing with you, Internet, but here’s a list of lists that are getting on my nerves. If you could cut down, I promise to watch a cat ride a koala. Or whatever you come up with next.

10 ways…

At the top of this list is 10 ways to be more (enter adjective here). That adjective could be anything: tolerant, interesting, attractive, positive. Surely these are good adjectives to become, but that’s not my problem with this brand of list.

The problem is that it boils what should be a lifelong task into one easy list. As if you just implement these easy bits into your life and you’re teh adjective. It reminds me of Steve Martin’s advice for making a million dollars and not paying any taxes on it. “First, make a million dollars, then…”

If you’d like to be more tolerant, first, stop hating people who don’t look like you, then…

20 things only someone will understand

Some of these are funny, if you can relate to them. So I giggled at 20 things only a bartender will understand and 20 things only someone who lived in Pittsburgh will understand.

But these are getting pretty damned specific, Internet. 20 things people with cold hands will understand, 20 things only people with curly red hair will understand, 20 things only people afraid of Blaberus discoidalis will understand, 20 things only people who ride elevators often will understand.

There are no people left. Wait. This section is one thing only people who hate this list will understand.

Why I’m a Bad Person

As an American middle class college educated white dude, every single day I am faced with yet another way I am destroying the world and keeping people down. I am ruining the environment, killing animals because of the shampoo I use, and ruining the world. I have been alarmed to learn on these lists why I am actually bad for being a nice guy and how I torture introverts with my “micro-aggressive” acts of smiling at them and saying good morning.

My aggression towards the term ‘micro-aggression’ has gone far beyond what can be categorized as micro.

I guess that makes me bad.

10 things you should never say…

This list exemplifies our new global hobby. This hobby is telling people what they can’t say and then judging them more harshly than they would a murderous football player if they do say it. So there are lists outlining things I shouldn’t say. Things I should never say to a girl on campus, a dog owner, a pregnant woman, a person with bitch face, or someone with fibromyalgia.

Thank God! I would never have realized how rude it is to ask people if they have fibromyalgia, and then tell them to get a hobby (number 8 on the list). Also, I’d never know it was wrong to ask a woman on the tram if she was pregnant or just fat.

And finally, if I hadn’t read 10 things you should never say during sex, I’d never know that it was uncouth to say “let’s get this over with” to a woman in bed.

To this list, I say, shut up!

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