To Severance

I have been watching the TV show ‘Severance’ which centers around employees for a mysterious company called Lumen. These employees agree to undergo a process in which they have their brains altered so when they are at work they have no memory of knowledge about their outside selves (their outie). Likewise, when they are in the world outside of work, they have no idea what they do at work or about their colleagues, processes, or anything.

The plus side is that their outies are not bothered by work and their innies are not bothered by personal problems. The downsides are that their innies feel like they never leave work, because they are only conscious when they are there. So they are perpetually at work.

I’ve decided that I would get over this issue in favor of severancing for my work. The thing is, I already feel like I’m always at work and so at least when I’m there I won’t be bothered by things like whether my outie is skipping exercise or his upcoming dental appointment or if he’s considered an asshole by other outies who meet him. He’ll be unbothered by annoying social gatherings after work that evening and will thus not spend all day trying to come up with excuses to stay home and eat potato chips on his couch (a clear violation of my outie’s diet that will not bother my innie the next day at work). It will be a period of complete freedom.

There are other benefits, too. An outie and an innie can maximize the advantages of having two different personalities in order to give my outie the best life possible. Likewise, I would treat my innie like my outie’s personal servant, taking on all the unpleasant duties to make my outie awesome. I would pack my innie pure vegetable and protein lunches. My innie would work out two hours a day at the office, pushups under my desk and burpees while waiting for spinach smoothie to coagulate. My outie would be buff, trim, and not have to lift a finger. My innie would have to be content with the vague (at best) understanding that he was making my outie’s life awesome. Other benefits included no bad days at work (who knows?), no asshole boss (who remembers), and minimal small talk. Note:

“How was your weekend, Ted?”

“No idea. How about yours, Jerry?”

“No clue.”

“Grand. Let’s get some coffee.”  

And why stop there? Family dinners. Doctor visits. Meetings. I don’t really like pants shopping, maybe I could severance my brain to separate my innie and outie there too. My outie will only find himself with new pants and no memory of having tried to squeeze his innie’s fat ass into a pair of so-called 36s. Poor innie.    

And once we start editing our brains, I think memories are right behind it. Oh the possibilities! A bad day. A bad week. A hospital visit. From ages 13-16! All easily sectioned off so that it’s only a memory – to nobody. And maybe we can put other memories to the forefront, so that daily, all we remember are the good things. Your tenth birthday. Playing with your dog. Playing with any dog. Imagine how easily a work meeting would go if you had the memory of your first Disney vacation to keep you warm. I welcome the future of brain editing. I think.    

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