My OnlyFans Page

As a person who makes money writing, I was indeed alarmed to learn that Artificial Intelligence will soon be hired to do those jobs. I need a job.

I’d offer to whore out my writing skills for people – I like writing shopping lists, I love writing recipes on the back of envelopes, and I have a zeal for drawing nooses during meetings. I’d be glad to bring you in on that. The problem, yet again, is that pretty soon my blended will be doing those things for you. With writing and noose drawing off the table, I needed some way to spend the rest of my life. I need direction. I’m turning to the most obvious course of action. Only Fans.

Now, I still have research skills and I use it to find out about the broad range of interesting and highly disturbing services that people are offering in exchange for money. After exploring my bag of talents, I opt for the following services.   

Watch me eat! For the low price of $37, you can watch me eat while I watch TV. This includes chicken wraps during Frasier or a roast chicken leg while watching 30 Rock. If you pay an extra $12, I’ll engage in witty banter with you about the show. Highlights include “They don’t make ‘em like Frasier anymore” or “Boy, 30 Rock was sure funny.” For an extra $18 I’ll describe my meal to you, and for $26 extra I’ll let you pick the show I watch, as long as it’s one of the six shows I watch while I eat (full list available on my page, but think 1990s psychiatrists).

Listen to me complain! As a 48 year old man, there is a full, diverse spectrum of topics that I can complain on in depth and for longer than you’d think possible. Even longer if I’m drinking. Topics include “Man I hate instant replay in football!”; “Why is the internet so slow!?”; “Why is chicken so god damned expensive!?” and as an added bonus “Butter! WTF!?”. These are all available for $22, but for $24 extra I’ll complain about any topic you choose. (note: if it’s about a specific person or phenomena, please email 2 hours in advance, pictures help). I offer a special potluck complaint for $16. If you need a good griping session but you don’t care about the topic, just sign in and choose the potluck option. I’ll complain about something (usually ranging from my knees to American Republicans to my lower back).  

Look at my feet. I personally don’t see anything spectacular about my feet, but this has become by far my most popular service. You simply pay $40 to watch me rub my feet, and listen to me complain and moan. “Sheesh, my dogs are sore!” (note: I no longer supply photos, so please stop asking. Neither will I part the hair on top of my foot to look like Jamie Farr). Sick.

I’ll listen to you! (aka: the single person’s special) That’s right. For $25 an hour, I sit at my computer, play some quiet music, light candles, and just listen to you talk. I somehow resist the urge to give you advice to fix your problems and I just give back such gems as “Oh how annoying” and “she sounds like a bitch” and “why don’t they ever listen to you, you’re always right?” For an extra $10, I turn on my TV and hand you the (virtual) remote. This puts you 100% in charge of what we watch while you talk. For $6 more, I ask for your advice on a number of fashion and work-related subjects. For $4, I take it.

Watch me clean (part of the single person’s special). For the very affordable (well, not if you want butter and chicken) price of $32 an hour, I will clean my house. Not only do I let you watch me clean, but I add several platitudes throughout such as “No, you had a long day, sit, relax.”; “Hey, you had a bad day, what would you like me to cook after this? I’ll get anything you want (except chicken).”; “You look like you need a foot rub.” I do add virtual foot rubs but as I have to import a person I like enough to touch their feet, this is $60 extra.

Watch me read and write! This is for the younger generation. For $30 an hour, you can watch me write with a pen or read a book to completion like the historical exhibitions that will surely inhabit the Smithsonian in about a decade. Get the jump now! For an extra $20, I’ll explain basic principles of grammar such as “this is what a comma does” and “no, complete sentences have a verb and a noun” and “the inclusive semicolon!”

I’m happy to entertain any other options your disturbed brain can come up with. I’m available most days and nights, as I have no other jobs to do at the moment. Also, should you need something written for you, I’m also available to do that. We call it the throwback.          

  1. #1 by Nathan on February 13, 2023 - 8:44 pm

    Thank you, buddy. I enjoyed that and I share in your (let’s call it) “wonder” about future opportunities for writers 🙂

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