Damien Galeone

It’s Saturday and I’m gleefully ignoring and putting off writing by fashioning tiny cat socks out of one large sock. Appreciative though I was hoping she’d be, the B Monster responds by standing on the sock(s) and circling until she finds a comfortable position in which to plop down. When I attempt to remove her, she emits the CATCON 3 warning sound: a short, low growl that states ‘go ahead and see what happens to those pudgy fingers.’ I leave her to her militant, yet comfortable mood and step away. (90)

This is not the first time she has thwarted my procrastinatory plans today. She has also lick-cleaned her poop-cannon on a game of solitaire I was playing and played a game of ‘toes look like mice’ during an early afternoon nap. (131)

Though these are pretty common feline torture tactics, I sense a disturbance in the kitty Force. She is not working alone. And I know exactly with whom she in cahoots. (161)

Stephen King. (163)

Now, people blame Stephen King for lots of things: I can’t sleep. I can’t bury my dead dog or go to the prom. I killed a clown at the circus. But it’s not often that people blame Stephen King for influencing their cat’s insane actions. Let me explain. (311)

A month ago, I was handed a copy of On Writing, King’s nonfiction work consisting of part memoir and part writing instructional. Last week, I brought it into the bathroom with me during the fallout following an experimental burrito night. Needless to say, we had some time together in that room. (362)

King gives a lot of advice in the book. He talks about grammar, tips on style and his daily practices. Out of the entire book (yes, read the whole thing, see above burrito comment) one statement stood out at me. (402)

You should write 1,000 words a day, at least, and because I am feeling magnanimous, I will say that you can take one day off per week. If you’re not doing that, you’re wasting your time. (438)

I read this last part as: Galeone, get to work and stop watching so much Frasier and stop eating so many experimental burritos! (461)

And when you consider the size of books, this advice and ass kicking makes sense. Huckleberry Finn has 110,667, The Grapes of Wrath has 179,148 and Moby Dick has 212,758. Even my first novel, which is relatively short, has 86,629 words. The point it, novels have LOTS of words, so if you want to write one you’d better put a lot of words down on paper every week. Since this literary intervention, 1,000 words has been my daily goal with one day off a week. Now I obsess on it and make up the difference of the 1,000 words in the next day’s writing if I don’t achieve it on any given day. (574)

But, as we all know, old habits die hard, thus explaining the myriad procrastinating tactics utilized earlier. (591)

Now that the cat has done an intervention of her own, I put on some rambunctious Mozart and spend the next two hours in my office, hitting the keys and, less often than I thought I would, checking the word count. And at the end of the day I have 1,000 words instead of promising to write more the next day. (652)

How King influenced my cat I don’t know for sure, but I did leave On Writing open on my coffee table and she does have a lot of time in the flat by herself. This would explain the time I left out The Hound of the Baskervilles and came home to a cat wearing a Deerstalker and smoking a pipe. (712)

Now if you’ll excuse me I have to go write a 371 word story about reading cats. (729)